General Chat

Hi Sand dancer thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences, sometimes I think it is only by being honest that we can help others, its often only people who have experienced such things that know how the sufferer really feels. I am not the carer for my mother, my father is, but he is 84 and finding it increasingly difficult. When you said about your dreadful urges I felt so sorry for you. My mother was very ill last year but rallied round but her quality of life is so poor now that I find my self thinking it would have been better if she had died. a colleague at work said her mother is in her 80s but still bright and' with it', as if my mother allowed this to happen, she was bright, had a degree, interested in everthing, studied when she retired then wham! It can happen to anyone. Same as depression, people can ask what have you got to be depressed about looking at maybe material things but sometimes it just hits you or maybe it is truer to say it creeps up on you. Sometimes I find I am so angry that this has happened to my mother. On top of that, I have a stroppy teenager, he makes me feel totally demoralised as I can do nothing right. Then I can't even relax when I am at home, our neighbours moved away and we were such friends then the new peple have demolished their bungalow and are building Buckingham place on the site, JCB, stillsaws, builders wandering round at window height, loss of light, view, privacy. I hate it and the arrogant way they look down on us. There thats got that off my chest.This is why I am trying St Johns Wort. Chris

Sal Thankyou so much. I'll be in contact with you. Donna x

Chris, I can sympathis wholeheartedly with your problem with the neighbours and their building works. It was a similar situation at our last house that pushed me into depression. We'd already lived through a year of modernisation and a roof extension being built on the house next-door, then the owners decided to move away. The house was bought by a family who didn't move in straight away. The husband would turn up each evening around 8 p m and start doing alterations, drilling, hammering and crashing about until very late. This went on for 9 months, and we thought it would stop when the family took up residence, but no. He continued making DIY noise in the house and garden, plus working on converting a series of vans into campers, for the next 5 years. It nearly drove me mad, as he didn't have a job, he worked at home as some sort of consultant, so he was there all the time. He also had an incredibly loud voice and would shout on the phone and at his children. Even though our houses were detached, we could still hear every word he uttered, and some of it wasn't particularly nice to hear. He'd also rev up the engines of these blasted vans to go off somehwhere in the early hours of the morning and wake us up regularly, as well as the whole family staying up very late and making noise in the back garden during the summer months, with their friends and family joining them at weekends. The children were a nightmare too - allowed to run wild till all hours of the night and make as much noise as they liked. I swear that if I hadn't moved away from there, I'd be in jail now - they just had to push me that little bit further abd I'd have done something stupid and not cared about the consequences. It's very hard for people who've not experienced this sort of thing to understand how devastating it can be. I agree with what's been said earlier, that the 'just ignore it and it'll all go away' and 'snap out of it' attitudes are extremely detrimental to anyone in the depths of depression. You really have to 'go there' to understand. Len, I'm really sorry to read your story. I hope you are coping now and not revisiting the past too often. CB >|<

It can be pretty tough for someone living with someone who suffers from depression, too. Joy

Lady Liberty You surmised correctly. I was an accredited counsellor, part of a team of 30 employed by an organisation funded by the then South Bucks Health Authority. I was a qualified accountant (which I loathed) and on retirement in 1988 retrained. I was counselling for 9 years when I had two heart attacks, from which I recovered, after which I was not permitted to deal directly with clients (presumably in case I died on one of them - it can be a stressful occupation as you will know). I was librarian to the organisation for the next three years during which time I listed and classified their (some 3000) books, using Excel, so the list could be sorted into title, author or subject order. len

Len Thank you so much for starting this thread. I wouldn't normally post something so personal (so have changed my name) but I have just spent the last half hour looking up the symptoms of depression as I think my daughter is suffering from it. She split with her husband of 15 years recently and then not long afterwards, a member of his family assualted her in her own home. The trial is due soon but my daughter is really struggling to deal with all that has happened. On top of all this her eldest child is in a lot of trouble at school and her ex husband is going out enjoying his new found freedom. She works full time and is finding it very hard to cope with 3 children 24/7. The puzzling thing is she is fine one day and then the next day she is very down. She visited me on Sunday and was in good spirits, then yesterday I had a call from her ex to tell me she had taken a load of tablets after a row and he had called an ambulance. Fortunately, she was OK as the tablets she had taken were not very harmful. However, I am at my wits end to know what to do to help her. I want to be there for her but I have to work too and could not rush to her side yesterday - I felt so guilty for not being there. My mum died from an overdose 30 years ago and I have still not forgiven her for what she did even though I loved her dearly. I keep thinking how my grandchildren would feel if my daughter killed herself. I need to get some help for my daughter but don't know where to turn. Sorry to go on but can anyone advise me how I can help her. L

Len Sounds like you have lead a very interesting life! What a huge change in your career direction, from accountancy to counselling! Sorry to hear you had to give up your practice, sad really, good counsellors are few and far between. Ive been a counsellor myself for almost 5 years now, I was thinking of doing the supervision course in September, will have to see how finances are nearer the time. Im currently working in two post, part time within the NHS and a local charity in which we recieve many referals from various agencies. Im also in the process of setting up a private practice, not that easy though in terms of finding the right accomodation at a good price! Yes whilst I agree the job can be very stressful at times, it can also be very rewarding too. Its the best move Ive ever made for my career. Beats selling jewellery on a market stall any day. Lib

Mystery I have sent you a direct message. Lib. My Superviser was Dr Riley, Consultant Psychiatrist at Wycombe and Amersham hospitals. A lovely lady, one I could never emulate. Len

Thank you all for sharing your personal experiences. I hope that things soon improve for those that are still suffering. Jill xx

Nudging - as this is a very informative thread L

Nudge!!! Just wondering how every1 is today! Kaz xx

I wonder how much of the depression suffered these days is caused by people feeling powerless and unable to reach goals they've set for themselves or targets set by others. One thing I found very difficult to appreciate is living for today, and not just trying to get through today in the hope of a better tomorrow. For many years, I've tried to achieve certain targets of my own, and none of them have been easy or gone according to plan. For example, during the past 7 years, I've done my best to get my home enlarged, modernised, decorated and furnished, so that it's a pleasant, comfortable place to live in. Not an unreasonable thing, you might say, but we've been beset by problems not of our own making, so after all this time, we're still living in something resembling a shabby warehouse. I find that soul-destroying, especially as there's no escape from it. From time to time, I feel very down-hearted about it - if I can't even achieve that in my own home, it must somehow be my own fault, and I wonder what hope I have of successfully completing other things. Other people seem to manage it, so why can't I? I've tried to convince myself that it doesn't matter, but it does to me - very much, so others' opinions don't really count. We see politicians, businessmen, etc, all setting targets and then forcing others to meet them, often against overwhelming odds. How many people have been pushed to the limit and had a breakdown or suffered physically due to the stress induced by striving for unrealistic targets? Why does everything have to be done in such a rush? Aren't people's lives more important than making money? CB >|<

I am sure that is true, CB. Joy

Mary, It sounds like you and I have even more in common! I was feeling like you, like I never seem to achieve what I set out to do, til I started my OU course. Having been depressed all winter because of my illness, I didn't think I would ever find the energy to study towards a degree, but I am studying a subject which fascinates me and my problem is STOPPING studying! It has given me a huge confidence boost, and given me a long-term career goal to work towards. Like you, I have an endless list of jobs needing doing at home (have had the laminate flooring for my kitchen piled up on my bedroom floor for months now!). I actually think everyone feels like this at some stage. Through my job, I've met some supposedly 'together' people, who seem to have it all--lovely home, kids, great job. It never fails to be different behind closed curtains--so many people are hiding their own sadness, or feel unable to love their children, or feel like they are 'fakes' because they are not as together as they appear. I think that as long as you are doing the best by your family and friends, you are doing ok! Chris, I can imagine how your colleague's comment made you feel. People can be so insensitive without realising it. My friends were amazing, but I had some aquaintances who said the most stupid things to me--one woman completely blanked me when I told her my Mam was dying! L, I do feel for you. What a horrible situation to be in. Do you think your daughter would go to her GP if you went with her? Maybe if you tell her it is for the sake of her children, she could be persuaded to ask for help? She will feel better once she feels more in control of her circumstances instead of circumstances ruling her. I know it's frightening, seeing someone go through this, but bellieve me, things can change. Medicine and counselling turned my life around. Keep us up to date with how things are. As you can see, there are plenty of people on here who understand depression. Best wishes, Sal.x

Sand Dancer & Chrispy P. I'm also going through tough time at moment, my Mum is probably not going to last very much longer, Dad has dementia & is totally unaware that his partner of 60 years is slipping away...can I send either of you a message dirct as it is so hard to talk to people unless they've been through it themselves, no-one understands what i'm going through, feel so very low....:-(( any advice appreciated, trying so hard to kepp it all together, but I have a pretty useless family at present, I seem to be the only one doing everything, they can't even bother to visit their own parents. Joan.

Prompted by Liberty, I dusted off my copy of 'Client Centred Therapy' by Carl Rogers (which I haven't opened for at least 10 years). opened it at random and on page 494 read: 'The best vantage point for understanding behaviour is from the internal frame of reference of the individual himself' As the headmaster of my old school would have said 'discuss'. Len

sorry dont know if i should add anything here but i think whats been said is absolutely right, there are some people who are very ignorant to people with depression, if it was the case of a broken leg, or some such other physical injury which could be seen sympathy, empathy and help would be flowing for miles,,,but because sometimes people cant see the symptoms of depression they think it doesnt exsist, well i can tell those people it does!! its not a fact of 'giving your head a shake' ( as my husband was told by a nurse).Depression can raise its head in many ways and sometimes all people need is a nice cuppa and a friendly ear to medical intervention and proper mental health care. My husband is at the moment on the Psychiatric ward and were not ashamed to tell anyone either, he needs help at this point in his life, it doesnt stop me from loving him and i know that in his little safe world he has created he loves me ,,,but he is alot better than he was and i know that the team he has working with him are fantastic but we had a hard struggle getting there and getting past the red tape before getting him the help he needed, sorry i dont even know if this is making sense, i hope so!,,,All im trying to say is dont give up, there is help out there and alot of people do care, and thank you Len for opening this thread, i think theres not enough information out there for people who have depression on where they can go and what help they can have, but i've learnt alot from my husbands nurses and the message from all of them is dont take 'pull your socks up ' for an answer if you dont get the help you need first then demand someone else its your right ......sending my special thoughts to all and hope you all find peace in your lifes Rachael xxx

Hiya Suzanne well i cant answer that but i know from my husband that he does feel bad, he feels that he has failed in his role as a father and a husband but he has no need too, but trying to get that through to him is pretty hard, especially on his bad days but you shouldnt feel bad or ashamed of your illness, theres nothing to be ashamed of !!, its just your having troubles in your life that you need help with and at one point or another we all need a little help, Rachael xx

Hello Len, How wonderful to know you have dusted off that dust, I really smiled when I read that! I agree, its important to keep on top of things, very easy to slip back into learned behaviour, or in Rogers terms, conditions of worth. Yes it is very true, to understand another person is to walk in their shoes, and as you pointed out: 'The best vantage point for understanding behaviour is from the internal frame of reference of the individual himself' Client centred therapy Is by no means an easy option, deffinately not for the faint hearted, as you are aware, this with out doubt involves questioning all that we have learned and believed to be true! Being Genuine to both, yourself and others, can be quite a frightening experience, especially as we live in such a incongruent world! Lib

Lib. I specialised in Neuro-Linguistic Programming. Suzanne I am most certainly not ashamed of suffering from depression and subsequent mental break-down and neither should you be. It taught me a lot and I am a much stronger and more balanced person for the experience. Iam glad it happened. All experiences in life can be valuable, even bad ones, if viewed from the right perspective. I would hope that you could see it that way. I believe all doctors should have their apendixes removed - just for the experience Don't thank me for this thread. Bouquets should go to Malc in East Herts who opened a thread entitled 'Depression Threads' deploring people talking about it. I merely decided the subject needed a proper airing. len