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Alan after reading this in two minds to cancel my 6 weeks cruise to the UK via Africa that is coming up soon but I was so looking forwards to it. :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( Annabel
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Is it on the M?V Ath*na, Annabel? From Freo? :-)
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Yes hope that was not the boat you were on :-0
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I'll send you a pm annabel, if that is ok with you. Just let me know :-D
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But as with so much of this trip our expectations exceeded the reality.
"Get the passengers below!” bellowed the captain, “And keep them out of sight”
We could hear the Customs vessel draw up alongside the galley, and a voice with an unmistakeable Australian accent called out. “Ahoy! We are going to board your ship. Heave to”. Then there was the sound of scurrying feet on the deck above.
Although we couldn’t see what was happening we could hear quite clearly.
"Do you have your Papers?” Australian Voice
“Yes. Thank you for asking. We have the ‘West Australian’, the ‘Australian’ and the ‘Sydney Morning Herald’ but they are all three or four months old!” Captain’s voice
“Been at Sea for a long time them?” Australian voice, tinged with a hint of sarcasm.
“Yes, since I was fifteen” Captain’s voice.
“I’m referring to your vessel’s Registration Papers and Clearances from your last port-of-call. And you bl**dy well know it!” Australian voice, now dripping with exasperation.
“Ah! A slight problem. I left them in my hotel room back in Adelaide”
“Right, that does it. Search the ship!” ordered the Australian voice, presumably to his own crew as we thought that the galley captain would know his own way around the vessel by now.
Suddenly, the grating above our heads was moved aside. Sunlight once more flooded into our cramped quarters. A rank stench flooded out, overpowering two Australian crew members who reeled back, gagging.
Eventually, all two hundred passengers were located and herded together on the main deck.
“Looks like we’ve hit the jackpot” muttered an Australian member of crew. “I’m used to seeing boats with twenty to thirty illegals up North, but never this number before”
Illegals?
Were we, the passengers, the subject of this remark, or was it meant for the galley captain and his band of merry marauders?
Not having had access to proper ablution facilities, including mirrors, we had no idea of just what a picture we presented. Rank bodies, matted hair, beards. Mistakes were possible.
“DOES ANYONE SPEAK ENGLISH?” shouted one Australian crew member to us, in that time honoured method of most minor bureaucrats throughout the English speaking world who believe that by speaking to foreigners in a loud voice, said foreigners will miraculously understand English.
In this case miracles happened, as two hundred voices roared out in unison
“We all do, you flaming imbecile, we’re Australian”
“Do you any means of identity?”
“No. All our identity papers have been destroyed or lost overboard”
The full import of this last statement at last dawned on all concerned.
“Right! That does it” said the Aussie skipper “I’m going to tow you to Christmas Island”
The galley captain, realising that he could soon be facing charges of people smuggling, suddenly remembered where he had left the ships papers and produced them for inspection
The Australian captain, still not convinced, agreed to take us under tow and make further enquiries whilst we proceeded towards the south west of Western Australia.
At length, after long and laborious study, the Australian captain re-joined us on the galley and gave us the most welcome news that authorities in South Australia had retrieved some of our luggage, including identity documents, and it looked as though our situation had changed. Our account of the
harrowing journey had been accepted
We were now to be towed to Fremantle and it was hoped that by the time we berthed all formal procedures to allow us to land would have been completed.
A few days later we saw a most glorious sight: the skyline of Perth shimmering in the distance. People from country areas jokingly tell Perth residents that the best view of Perth is the one in the rear view mirror (well we tell them that we’re joking!) but for now the arriving and not the leaving was all that mattered
Slowly, too slowly for us, the buildings appeared in more substantial form.
Then we were on the Swan River with Fremantle fast approaching.
The passengers were all assembled on the top deck and the galley captain, using a megaphone, addressed us.
“Ladies and gentlemen, we will shortly be arriving at the Port of Fremantle. Australia has strict quarantine laws to protect its borders from any introduced pests which could affect its food production. Any items of food or fruit, whether packaged or not should be declared to the Quarantine Inspectors or disposed of in the bins provided”
A susurration of dissatisfaction could be heard from the crowded deck.
“The same applies to all items of wood and….” His voice trailed off as the murmur grew into a crescendo of voices. He finally realised that with our meagre rations during the voyage, lack of visits to any ports and total loss of luggage, the normal regulations may not have been quite appropriate in our particular circumstances.
“Well anyway,” he continued gaily, “On behalf of the crew and myself we hope that you‘ve enjoyed sailing with the Davy Jones’ Line. Should you wish to join any of our future cruises we will be pleased to offer ten per cent discount customer loyalty bonus. Have a nice day and a pleasant trip home”
The passengers looked at each other in disbelief.
Then a ragged cheer emanated from those passengers closest to the side of the galley; they could see the gangway being wheeled into position.
Finally we were to leave this hell-hole we had called home for so many weeks.
The captain and crew lined up next to our point of disembarkation. As each passenger left the captain extended his hand in friendship. Most passengers ignored it.
Not my wife! She looked at the proffered hand, and smiling, shook him warmly by the throat. Not until he had taken on the colour of a very healthy Smurf did she release him.
The overseer was next to greet us. My wife immediately stepped forwards and kneed him in his nether regions, his eyes watered, as did several of the male passengers’ in sympathy with his suffering. His smile became a rictus.
He didn’t deserve that.
Before he had a chance to collapse, my wife kneed him again. He did deserve THAT!
The rest of the crew retreated in terror.
Stepping over the recumbent body of the overseer, the rest of the passengers left the ship.
As for my wife and myself, we stayed only long enough to steal some clothes from various washing lines so that we could restore a modicum of respectability for our battered bodies and then hailed a Taxi.
I was about to give the driver our home address when my wife stopped me.
“No!” she shouted, “Take us to the Travel Agents.”
I could see the murderous glint in her eyes. I begged her to rethink the whole matter and asked her whether it was worth spending the next fifteen years in prison for murder.
“Murder?” queried my wife, “Murder? Who said anything about murder? I want to get to the Travel Agents as soon as possible to take advantage of that ten per cent offer, and book our next cruise before all berths are sold.”
When the taxi stopped at the next set of red lights, I jumped out and fled, screaming, into the night.
The end
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Thank you Allan for an entertaining read. :-D :-D
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Thanks Ann :-D
I hope that I didn't put Annabel off her voyage :-(
I really must also resurrect my Sherlock Holmes' story.
Allan
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did you delate your other funny thread Allan?
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Yes Suzanne I did.
I think thatwe had probably extracted as much humour as we could from walloping wombats, fresh badger juice and numerous frying pans, both heavy and light :-D
The thread would probably have eventually to the RSPCA (Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Anything)
But please don't worry, once I get another daft notion there will be more threads. :-D :-D
Watch this space!
Regards
Allan
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r did you delete it incase your wife saw it? :-D :-D
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Ah! You suspect me of having an ulterior motive?
Moi??
Perish the thought :-D
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look farward to your next thread.
take care :-)
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Thanks Suzanne :-)
regards
Allan
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