General Chat

Shall wait with baited breath.

So Allan heres me settled down all comfy with a cup of tea
and I have to wait for next addition, OK will let you off, too
much wine indeed, some excuse that. :-D

Emma x

At last all was ready
.
“Man the oars!” roared the captain
.
At this, one little old lady of indeterminable years pulled herself up to her full height of five feet nothing and stared up the captain’s nostrils; not a pleasant site if you were on dry land, but even more stomach-churning on a heaving galley. “How Dare You!” she said, defiantly “ That is a most sexist remark”

I’m sure that such little old ladies exist in all nations and all share a common bond. This particular one reminded me of Granny as drawn by the late Giles in the Sunday Express cartoons.

The captain tried to outstare her but due to the difference in their respective heights, and his rather corpulent build, he only succeeded in going cross-eyed

At length he relented and broke of his stare

Turning from his crew so that they would not see his pain and humiliation he said in a more chastened voice “People the oars”

Knowing that she had won a victory of sorts, the little old lady started to sing, “You put your left oar in, you pull your left oar out”

We had been promised free shipboard entertainment but hadn’t expected it so soon.

So, slowly, we left Port Adelaide to the rousing cheers of the passengers on the other two cruise liners and words of encouragement, such as, “Next time, pay the higher fare” and “Row, row, row your boat, merrily round the world!”

We weren’t long into the journey before our troubles started.

Rumour was rife that there was a giant bat inhabiting the lower deck and that this would suddenly drop from the ceiling (I know that to nautical purists that the correct term for a deck ceiling is a deckhead, but my hand writing is not that good and the term could be misinterpreted. The same applies if this story is ever read aloud to help all the youngsters go to sleep). The bat would then slowly glide around the deck. This would happen several times a day.

At last, one poor soul could stand it no longer and after a brief but bloody struggle he managed to kill the bat.

Ten minutes later the crew were down there wanting to know what had happened to the ventilation system.

This did not augur well for the rest of the voyage.

(to be continued)

Lol thank you! :-D

You're welcome, Ann :-)

I am all at sea the way you were treated .should have asked for your money back .or holiday in loo for this one :-D

after the food we ate, Barbra, we did get a holiday in the loo :-D

Must remember not to book a rail and sail holiday in Oz!!!

Very good tale,and amusing as in Sydney for another day,going back to Melbourne tomorrow.......I think next story could be about the driving practises I have noted,both here in NSW and Vic.....in my view much worse than in the UK....cutting in,tailgating,undertaking,to name a few....or maybe I have been unlucky,but on Sunday,coming back from the blue mountains a lady cut in front of us from the right lane to turn left at traffic lights and son had to brake really hard to avoid a hit.
Another was at a KFC drive in a car coming the wrong way to get out!!
Hope you don't think I'm a whining Pom....but just ideas for another amusing story!

Brenda, compared to WA, drivers in other States are absolutely perfect.

In WA road rules are not compulsory, as they are in other states; they are merely there for consideration :-D

Worth the wait Allan. :-D

Wonder if Captain Hook was in chargeof the cruise. no arm in him really :-D you could have all said eye eye capum :-)

I was wondering if you met Gulliver on your travels!


Maybe I should drive in WA. I failed two tests in UK but my style of driving may fit in there.

Loving your travel-log... It would make a great animated film.. Possibly you could have it ready for next years Oscars.

By the way I reckon that your old lady probably listened to her music on a "walk-person"


Looking forward to next instalment,

;-)

Soon, the passenger complaints began. One wanted to know about lifeboat drill and shipboard safety
.
The crew patiently explained that if anything happened to the ship the passengers on the lower deck would be the first to get their feet wet.

Their terrified screams would be communicated to the middle deck passengers who would start to scream in sympathy and so to the upper deck
.
“How does that save us?” asked the passenger who first raised the issue.

The crew gave this some thought and at last one responded “Well, we’re not sure about you, but when we hear the passengers on the upper deck screaming, we’ll already be on dry land.”

Thus reassured, we returned to our rowing and tried not to think about the termites we had found in the oars.

The next complaint was about the ablution facilities. “What about them?” queried the captain.

“There are none” said the complainant.

“Whinge, whinge, whinge,” muttered the captain “Alright, he’d like a bath!! Tie him up and throw him overboard. Let’s have some sport”

The poor complainant was led away
.
We were all allowed on the main deck of the galley to see how complaints were handled.

Suitably trussed, the poor soul was cast over the side. The line however was tied off on the side of the galley with the poor victim being hauled through the water just astern of the vessel.

Suddenly, that dreadful cry was heard. “SHARK”

The crew rapidly pulled the line in and managed to get the poor wretch on board just as the shark lunged for him. To the crew’s credit, they gaffed the shark and hauled it onto the deck.

“Throw him in again” commanded the captain. The same result! This happened three times and each time a shark was caught. Finally, the poor passenger was hauled onto the deck and untied
.
The quivering wretch that had been the complainant looked at the captain and said, “You obviously have no idea about modern ablutions!”

“No.” responded the captain, “And YOU have no idea about shark hunting!!” laughing as he walked away.

At least we ate that day.

:-D :-D :-D thank you Allan

:-D :-D :-D

Come on Allan, give us more of the story.

Huia.

I think I have sunk the ship.

Huia.

The ship certainly hasn't sunk, Huia; even if it had it wouldn't be anything that you have done.

I was very busy yesterday and will also be busy over the next few days.

Let's just say that at the moment the story is giving the impression of a fish, a flounder!

I promise that I will complete it shortly (after all it is a short story :-D)

Hello Sailor
nudge up for Allan x :-D

The days dragged into weeks.

The food was minimal and our treatment criminal.

Then a day dawned when the galley overseer came down to visit us.

“It’s the captain’s birthday tomorrow so he has decided he’d like you to help him celebrate. You can all have the rest of today off, and a meal will be served in the main lounge.” he told us.

A ragged cheer, such as only can be rasped from two hundred parched throats, greeted this news.

We staggered onto the upper deck, shielding our eyes from the unaccustomed sunlight.

From there, pausing only for a quick wash, and in some cases to trim beards (actually, many of the ladies would have looked better had they shaved them off completely) we made our way to the lounge.

There, set before us, was a repast such as we had not seen since our days on the Indian Pacific; slow cooked seagulls, kelp salads, several types of fish and set as a centre piece was a stuffed Albatross. This last was rather worrying for those of us who knew our poetry.

“Eat!” said the overseer, with a grin, “The captain wishes you to be in fine fettle for his birthday”

“That’s very good of him” one of the prisoners, sorry, passengers, responded, “But why the change of heart and fortune?”

“Well the captain does like to maintain his little birthday traditions.” answered the overseer.

“Such as?” queried the passenger.

“Such as water-skiing” laughed the overseer.

We all looked round but could see no speedboat, or even any other type of boat, which could be used for such a purpose. This fact was mentioned to the overseer who cheerfully replied that the captain in fact used the galley.

We digested this fact rather more quickly than we digested the food.

It slowly dawned on us why we had been given the day off and the meal.

“What if we’re not up to the task?” asked a brave soul

“You don’t really want an answer to that question do you?” asked the overseer

“Yes!!” responded two hundred frightened voices.

“Well, ‘tis a mighty long swim ahead for you, if you disappoint him”

“He wouldn’t?”

“Oh yes he would”

“Oh no he wouldn’t”

This pantomime continued for some time. I was expecting the captain to appear from a trap-door at any time surrounded by purple smoke

When he did put in an appearance he was, in fact, surrounded by green smoke, or at least a green haze. As he probably hadn’t bathed or washed for several weeks this was quite understandable.

“You mutinous dogs! You miserable curs! Are ye all refusing me my little birthday treat?” roared the captain

Two hundred souls decided to play the innocent, and not a word was murmured.

“So be it! This how you repay my kindness is it?” he asked in a quieter, but more intimidating manner. “You all wanted some Namby Pamby cruise, waited on hand and foot. I’ve given you a glimpse of what life at sea really means!”

“Yes!” replied one brave soul, who obviously suffered from terminal stupidity (but not for long) “But we paid for the Namby Pamby cruise!”

And there, at last, was stated the root cause of our problem, and, possibly the start of a mutiny. We had paid for the journey, albeit at a cut price. We knew that the Cruise business was a cut-throat one, but we didn’t expect to find ourselves on a cruise where that expression was beginning to take on a literal turn.

The captain advanced on the passengers; the passengers retreated, forced back by the power of the captain’s rancid breath.

The situation was beginning to turn as ugly as the captain, when, suddenly, a crew member shouted a warning “Captain, there be a vessel fast approaching”

We all paused and stared at each other. Up until that time, the crew had spoken a type of pseudo classical English. Now, it appeared that they had lapsed into some sort of parody of the pirate phraseology. (Almost a Gilbert and Sullivan moment there)

“What be her colours?” demanded the captain.

“Can’t see.” replied the crew man, sorry, crew person (remembering the little old lady from earlier in the tale) “But she be red in colour”

“Can you see her name?”

“Yes cap’n, but it be very weird! She be called the ‘Customs and Border Protection’”

The captain blanched.

We cheered.

Rescue was on the way!!