General Chat

Len Thank you so much for starting this thread. I wouldn't normally post something so personal (so have changed my name) but I have just spent the last half hour looking up the symptoms of depression as I think my daughter is suffering from it. She split with her husband of 15 years recently and then not long afterwards, a member of his family assualted her in her own home. The trial is due soon but my daughter is really struggling to deal with all that has happened. On top of all this her eldest child is in a lot of trouble at school and her ex husband is going out enjoying his new found freedom. She works full time and is finding it very hard to cope with 3 children 24/7. The puzzling thing is she is fine one day and then the next day she is very down. She visited me on Sunday and was in good spirits, then yesterday I had a call from her ex to tell me she had taken a load of tablets after a row and he had called an ambulance. Fortunately, she was OK as the tablets she had taken were not very harmful. However, I am at my wits end to know what to do to help her. I want to be there for her but I have to work too and could not rush to her side yesterday - I felt so guilty for not being there. My mum died from an overdose 30 years ago and I have still not forgiven her for what she did even though I loved her dearly. I keep thinking how my grandchildren would feel if my daughter killed herself. I need to get some help for my daughter but don't know where to turn. Sorry to go on but can anyone advise me how I can help her. L

Lady Liberty You surmised correctly. I was an accredited counsellor, part of a team of 30 employed by an organisation funded by the then South Bucks Health Authority. I was a qualified accountant (which I loathed) and on retirement in 1988 retrained. I was counselling for 9 years when I had two heart attacks, from which I recovered, after which I was not permitted to deal directly with clients (presumably in case I died on one of them - it can be a stressful occupation as you will know). I was librarian to the organisation for the next three years during which time I listed and classified their (some 3000) books, using Excel, so the list could be sorted into title, author or subject order. len

It can be pretty tough for someone living with someone who suffers from depression, too. Joy

Chris, I can sympathis wholeheartedly with your problem with the neighbours and their building works. It was a similar situation at our last house that pushed me into depression. We'd already lived through a year of modernisation and a roof extension being built on the house next-door, then the owners decided to move away. The house was bought by a family who didn't move in straight away. The husband would turn up each evening around 8 p m and start doing alterations, drilling, hammering and crashing about until very late. This went on for 9 months, and we thought it would stop when the family took up residence, but no. He continued making DIY noise in the house and garden, plus working on converting a series of vans into campers, for the next 5 years. It nearly drove me mad, as he didn't have a job, he worked at home as some sort of consultant, so he was there all the time. He also had an incredibly loud voice and would shout on the phone and at his children. Even though our houses were detached, we could still hear every word he uttered, and some of it wasn't particularly nice to hear. He'd also rev up the engines of these blasted vans to go off somehwhere in the early hours of the morning and wake us up regularly, as well as the whole family staying up very late and making noise in the back garden during the summer months, with their friends and family joining them at weekends. The children were a nightmare too - allowed to run wild till all hours of the night and make as much noise as they liked. I swear that if I hadn't moved away from there, I'd be in jail now - they just had to push me that little bit further abd I'd have done something stupid and not cared about the consequences. It's very hard for people who've not experienced this sort of thing to understand how devastating it can be. I agree with what's been said earlier, that the 'just ignore it and it'll all go away' and 'snap out of it' attitudes are extremely detrimental to anyone in the depths of depression. You really have to 'go there' to understand. Len, I'm really sorry to read your story. I hope you are coping now and not revisiting the past too often. CB >|<

Sal Thankyou so much. I'll be in contact with you. Donna x

Hi Sand dancer thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences, sometimes I think it is only by being honest that we can help others, its often only people who have experienced such things that know how the sufferer really feels. I am not the carer for my mother, my father is, but he is 84 and finding it increasingly difficult. When you said about your dreadful urges I felt so sorry for you. My mother was very ill last year but rallied round but her quality of life is so poor now that I find my self thinking it would have been better if she had died. a colleague at work said her mother is in her 80s but still bright and' with it', as if my mother allowed this to happen, she was bright, had a degree, interested in everthing, studied when she retired then wham! It can happen to anyone. Same as depression, people can ask what have you got to be depressed about looking at maybe material things but sometimes it just hits you or maybe it is truer to say it creeps up on you. Sometimes I find I am so angry that this has happened to my mother. On top of that, I have a stroppy teenager, he makes me feel totally demoralised as I can do nothing right. Then I can't even relax when I am at home, our neighbours moved away and we were such friends then the new peple have demolished their bungalow and are building Buckingham place on the site, JCB, stillsaws, builders wandering round at window height, loss of light, view, privacy. I hate it and the arrogant way they look down on us. There thats got that off my chest.This is why I am trying St Johns Wort. Chris

Hi meercat, you are doing right by being there for your friend, if she wants to talk she will and by the sounds of it she knows that. Wish i had a friend like that. your a good friend to stand by her. Kaz xx I have lots of good friends on here who help me!!!! ur all gr8!! Kaz xx

Len, your message is great. Later on when you said about forgetting things I felt so relieved beacause i keep forgetting things, because my mother has alzheimers i keep thinking I am in the early stages of it. I know my mother knew something was wrong with her beacause one of her friends said that she had been 'afriaid of losing her marbles' for some time. Sometimes when I see how bad my mother is both physically and mentally I can hardly cope. I know I am depressed although some days I think I am getting better, I am hoping now that the dodgy memory is down to this depression rather than developing alzheimers. People with depression are not able to help themselves, sometimes I find I can't even face phoning a friend let alone doing anything more positive. lots of people on GR seem to have had or have depression. It is not really something that is easy to 'confess' to, there is still a lot of 'pull yourself together' attitude about. I find that the boards on GR are a great help, both to chat to people and to carry out research. There seems to be a lot of caring people out there. Thank you Chris

Hi Len, your thread makes very good reading, and rings very true. I have been on medication now for over a year for my depression, i thing i was suffering long before that but wouldnt admit to myself i was suffering and it was just the circumstances i was going through. In Aug 1999 myself and my husband seperated and through Threats he forced me to had him my 3 children, this destroyed me, over a period of 3yrs i fought through court to get custody of my children 2 no avale as alot of lies were said by my ex about me, all of this tore me apart, being away from my children was destrying me and i can now say i did have a nerves breakdown, my family helped me tremondously but i was still suffering cos i didnt have my children. In December 2002 my ex just decided to hand me my children and told the courts so, this was wonderful for me. Even though i now have my children with me i still hold alot of guilt for not having or been able to be there for my children 24/7 after the seperation. My children are happy now they are with mum and see their every other weekend. After going through all that i then developed back problems and due to this i am now unable to work, also at the same time my new partner and i wasnt and still arent seeing eye to eye about how my children are brought (as you may have seen by my threads) i ended up totally losing it and ended up breaking down and had to go to the doctor and was told it was depression i was suffering from. It is not a nice way to feel and sometimes i feel ashamed about it (i know i shouldnt) but i now have medication to try and help me. I was first on Flouxitine but now i am on sertraline, even though i am on medication sometimes if something dramtic happens i feel my medication does not help. I hope in the future i can be cured from it. I sympathise with all out there who are sufferers, you are not alone. Hugs to all Kaz xx

I know something about depression from the sharp end. Many years ago now I was fearful of redundancy, and the effects it would have on my young family, and at an age when I was virtually unemployable if I lost my reasonably well- paid job. So to make myself indispensable (no one is indispensable) I gradually increased my load working 12 hours a day, 6 or 7 days a week. The first sign was when I found my memory was going and I had to write down all that was said before I forgot it. Then other incidents: I could not remember the way back to the office after going for a short walk at lunch-time, something I had been doing for years. Numerous other things happened such as getting up from my desk, saying goodnight and finding out there were no trains home as it was only 3 pm. I felt quite sure in my own mind that I was OK but the rest of the world was being bloody minded. My caring family had a hell of a time. This was, of course, a mental breakdown following a long period of untreated depression, Finally, I decided to go to the top of our office building and jump off as I could see no point whatsoever in continuing. Fortunately a senior colleague was watching , aware I was cracking up and escorted me home and to my GP. I only conceded to him as he out-ranked me. I burst into tears in front of the GP and the silly man said 'I expect you will feel better now' which unleashed a torrent of abuse for the humiliation I felt - which he took very well. The rest is history and the past is a place I do not care to visit too often. Len

Len, What you've written sums up my own experience of many years of depression. Unfortunately, the GPs I saw at the time merely treated the physical symptoms (unsuccessfully, of course) with a variety of prescription drugs, and I'm still living with the results of side-effects. I was suffering from horrendous neighbour problems (mainly noise), overwork, menopause and trying to cope with my Mother's Alzheimer's disease. There seemed to be no end in sight, but then my Mother died, and gradually, after a house move and drastic change of lifestyle, my depression lifted, but it did take a couple of years before I could say it had finally gone. Occasionally, I still get the negative feelings you've described above but, as you say, they're nowhere near as bad as true depression. Sadly, my experience of the medical profession has left me deeply mistrustful of them, and I'm happy to say that I've found alternative (herbal) remedies and various vitamin and mineral supplements (professionally prescribed) which have helped me a great deal. If I stop taking them for any reason, I soon notice a downturn in how I feel. Because of my own experience, I often wonder if 'clinical depression' is always a mind-based condition, or whether it could be induced by some sort of vitamin or mineral deficiency, or malabsorption. Good thread - thank you. CB >|<

Len Thank you for posting that - I've copied it into Word so that I can read it on the bad days. Mandy :)

Some people associate depression primarily with psychological symptoms such as low mood and lack of pleasure whereas, in reality, it can also cause a variety of physical symptoms such as poor sleep quality, general aches and pains, sexual dysfunction and appetite or weight change. Aches and pains are commonplace. A recent survey showed that physical symptoms were considered to be a key factor in in opinion of 99% of the participants in the survey (Depression Alliance 2005b). These included fatigue (85%), insomnia/hypersomnia (78%), general aches and pains (49%) and sexual dysfunction (48%). Despite this, many people with physical symptons fail to discuss them with their doctor, partly due to the fact that patients do not associate depression with physical malaises. Having said that, a high proportion of doctors apparently do not tell their patients of the connection. len

Thanks Liberty. Bryan.....having been through what ive been through, im still positive, i also try to be for others.......depression isnt easy and we all deal with it in different ways. Mine is reactive.....others arent and is harder. xx

strump I have messaged you!

You know Bryan I had and have a very posative outlook, im alive, im here, i almost wasnt.....im grateful, there for the grace of god eh. But......i understand that feeling of hoplessness, that feeling of pure isolation......its so very hard and yes i get it still. Donna x

no donna,its not easy ,its all about taking 'little steps' its a fact,that medication,combined with cognitive behavioural therapy,over a period of time,will work. having said that,its up to the individual,to change their thought processes,from negative,to positive. what if?....i can,and i will! bryan.

Lady Liberty...you make it sound so easy.....is it??????

Len The latter end of your post suggested you did! As you so eliquently put it, yes we certainly are the directors of our own movie. I also believe we are our own worst enemies, the sooner people can develope the awareness that life is not a fixed state, but rather a on-going fluid process, the more they can live a full contented life, or in Rogers words, 'live the good life'! Lib ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Yes Len im in the buisness! Im an accredited Counsellor BACP! And you??

Does this help depressed people though?? Just a thought....it all sounds so big and very 'bookish', right now i couldnt face a book. x