General Chat

I vividly remember seeing a programme about Domestic Violence (er - why dont we call it what it is, Wife Beating?). The expert on there told the woman this: Next time your husband comes home roaring drunk, wait your chance, push him down the stairs, beat him within an inch of his life and then say 'Sorry darling, I didnt mean to do it, you know I love you really'. That put it into perspective for me. PP - I havent been the victim of physical abuse, but suffered verbal abuse for years. I lived a nice life, with every material thing you could possibly want. One day I woke up and had crossed some sort of invisible line. Nothing material mattered, I walked out with literally the clothes on my back. It doesnt matter what state your house is in - walk away, while you still can. Olde Crone

When I was a victim of DV I was told I was stupid and no one would want me also marked where no one could see but that is what they do so your are not confident and it does affect you but I got my confidence back by doing NVQ in buisness admin which I got level 2 and I am with a lovely guy now. I still think why didn't I leave before now but it took my ex attacking my 10yr old to get up and go. PP you think positive and when you are ready you will know when like I did

Thanks for your advice and concern folks, and those who have mailed me. My doctor does know what is happening, so do many of my friends and the neighbours too, also oh's father and sons. I do have a house, but because my ocd has become much worse over the time I have met him,(was bad before too) it is not habitable at present, also I need a new boiler as it never worked properly from the time it was put in. A court case was set up but two weeks from the start, the plumber managed to wangle legal aid so mine was stopped and I could not proceed further. There is no heating or hot water, I can get round it when I can clear enough things to get someone in to fix everything, but that is the problem . With my fibromyalgia and cfs I do not have the energy to clear much at a time. I am too embarrassed to have anyone come round to do it with me, and even o.h. has never been inside my house, even before I moved here and was just seeing him at weekends. So a bit of a catch 22 situation but I will get there and then you will see the flags go up on here! Trouble is I will have to find the money for a computer too and a car as both are his, that I use now. Both high priority items. I am strong, he does not get away with a lot, don't worry, it happens about once or twice a month, but I WILL SURVIVE. I will get my life back. love Liz

I am only strong infront of those that need me to be ,inside i am crying with them, and when alone i shed a tear for them. Its not that i am strong, its i do what i have to do when it is needed. Shirley Ann.

Oh Shirley You must be a very strong person, and you must meet some very hurt people. I applaud what you are doing to help these women. My friend was close to my mum, as she helped her sort thing out financially and with the relevant authorities, I was the shoulder to cry on. She's a much stronger person now, eventhough she has never met anyone else serious again, I think she's still always wary. catherine xx

Catherine, i have mums with chilren come into the centre with just the clothes they are standing in,mum is usually cut and bruised, children are frightened and upset, they are normally sent to me from the housing dept, as they are in effect Homeless. It is heartbreaking, they come to me ,and it gives them what i call healing time and breathing space to decide what they want to do about their situation. I do not run a refuge, i run a homeless centre, but i am there to pick up the peices when need be.There is help out there, trouble is not enough people know where to go to get it.

My friend was a victim of DV, she bumped in to my mum whilst out shopping and tried to hide a black eye she had. My mum spotted it and she broke down and told her everything, it was only when the injunction was put in place, that it all came out, he'd tried to strangle her and had even started on the young kids they had. That was over 10 yrs ago,and she's a much better person now. I have also just found out that a girl who comes to my mums and tots had been in hiding with her two boys. He beat her up, her mum found out, it had been going on for a while, she was always hit where no one could see. But he took one step too far this time, he pulled a chunk of her hair out with his teeth and made her pick it out of his mouth whilst she was on her knees. How horrible is that. She's only about 22 and been with this guy since being 17. It make me sick to hear of these stories. These people need help. catherine xx

Lyn, It is frustrating i know, but this is all these people have known, to them it is normal, i know when i was in that situation i just couldn't see a way out, as i loved my hubby and couldn't imagine being without him, so i made excuses for him, and hoped he would change. Of course he never would and who was i kidding, but it is easy for me to say now 40 yrs on.i did get out but the ironic thing was he left me for someone else. Thank god i say now. Over the past 2 or 3 yrs i have been having the next generation coming through the centre, these were children when i last saw them, it is such a dreadful shame. I really don't think there will ever be an end im sad to say.

That is very true pink, also it helps when you apply for housing if you have it on record at your docs, and also if you have records that it was reported to the police. Shirley Ann.

Purple - a piece of advice is don't rely on the police to report incidents..... go to your doctor and get it put in your medical history!! the doctor can then give all the details if needed to in court. This advice was given to many at the refuge I stayed in so it is legal!! xx

Reading all these replies, makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. Any form of violence is unexceptable. Domestic violence is frightening as it happens behind closed doors and the victim hides the fact that they are being abused . I was beaten by my ex husband many times through out my marrage to him, but didn't tell anyone, would make excuses for the black eyes etc.I know now that people knew, but at the time i thought i had hidden it well. I have both men and women in my centre who have come in to escape violent partners, half of them go back to their abusers only to return a few months later. the fear of how they will cope finacially is the main reason they go back.I try to explain once the money situation is sorted out, benifits etc, they will probably find they are better off. They will get rehoused and beable to start a new life, i have many that come back and see me and say how glad they were they listened to me. It is hard to leave a home you have lived in for a long time. I know believe me, but it is only bricks and mortor, where ever you live it is you that make it a home. I think what i am trying to say is, if you are living with violence then get out now, don't wait years for the right time , the right time is now. And even more so if there are children involved. Don't waste your life thinking about it do it. And i can assure you there are as many men come to my centre as there are women who have been battered, my last one was a 75yr old man that had been punched and kicked by his wife and daughter. Shirley Ann.

I was a victim of domestic violence to but my ex never drunk at all but it shouldn't happen to any one be it male or female and the person who it happens to should stand up and tell or they will never be free

Ann, thanks, no children here, all grown up, his two and my one. I am in my late 50's, he is supposed to be my toy boy at only 52. Well I know who will end up a drunken recluse, and it won't be me!!! One day I will make a big announcement on here, just not able to practically and financially at the mo. Liz

Dear Purple - don't stay too long - if you have children - you may find out that in the long run you did them more harm than good by staying. Take care and hugs. (All I had to do was breathe - that was excuse enough).

What about when you call the police for help having driven off in the car to escape, wait ages for the Police to come, they escort you back to the house and he swears he won't do it again, then realises the policeman is his old mate from years back? There they stand discussing their previous divorces, and the report never got to the Domestic Violence dept even tho I chased it, wanted it noted so he didn't get away with it if it happened again. Doesn't always need to have had the secret drink he sometimes has, anything can trigger it off, even a tv programme he doesn't agree with can make him turn cos he knows it will be something I am ok with, i.e. is convinced that anyone with a non english sounding name can't be British and therefore is not entitled to be in this country. Once went into one when we were watching 'London's Burning'. It showed a foreign embassy in London burning down and because of protocol, the firemen were not allowed in until permission had been gained. o.h. went mental and screamed and raged at the tv, saying let them burn, if they won't let the firemen in, they should go away again. I slipped up and said something like 'Don't be daft' and that was the spur he needed to take it out on me! One day I will be in a position to leave.

There is nothing worse than being on the phone pleading with the police to come and help you and that yes you will take him to court and they don't come - all of this whilst he was busy smashing furniture and kids were screaming. This was 30 years ago. Ann

Your a nice Guy Malc like I said earlier I know men who have been in that position, you are 6ft 3' and somebody a female takes advantage of that even though she is a foot smaller ,because she knows you are a nice guy and would NEVER HIT A WOMAN! sorry her behaviour stinks! Dave

who wrote that song about domestic violence it really stuck in my mind but the artist has gone ' my name is Luca, i live on the second floor, i live upstairs from you, yes i guess youve seen me before' anyone know? sue c x

Well in my absolutely favourite film, Pricilla Queen of the Desert, a group of blokes sang it ................. LOL :-)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

From what I remember It would be ok for you to sing malc no refs to he or she in it. BUT I AM REALLY CR*p at singing so if any good ladies would like to lead the way!!!