General Chat

Lin - I think you've hit the nail on the head there! As long as everyone's happy who cares??? Obviously we're all entitled to our opinions but it's up to the individuals involved. If my parents strongly believed that I should be married before living with someone I still wouldn't! I'm my own person and will control my own life! becx

This such an intresting thread,I was going out with my husband at 16 we married at 19,thought we knew each other really well but didnt know he had bad moods,after 2 children and 25 years he had affair we happily seperated,been seperated 6 years now,met new partner he been married twice and divorced and he 9 years younger but we been living together nearly 3 years and i feel i know him better then hubby of 25 years,somehow feel more commited as i know we together because we want to be, he has proposed maybe when i divorced we will marry but i can honestly say im just as happy the way things are....my daughter met her partner when she 17 they started living together when she 21 she 28 on friday they have 5 year old son and 9 month old daughter.....son recently got a flat with his girlfriend he 24 and they've just got engaged..wrong way round?.. maybe, but all happy :)

In fact, getting married and THEN moving in together never even crossed my mind. I just wouldn't do it... maybe a sign of the times? becx

I think this is a really interesting topic,have just looked at it again after a few hours of doing other things.I said earlier that I don't believe in living together and someone wondered how you can really get to know someone if you don't live with them. I think when you are at the going out stage you can do lots of things to get to know the other person.For example you can take kids ( anyone's )out sometimes to find out how they are with kids,do some voluntary work with them.How do they treat their parents,siblings,older people,animals etc?This gives a good indication of how they are really like.I know that some people change for the worst once they are married,that must be abseloutely terrible and no wonder it puts some people off marriage. I think if both are willing to put the other person first then it'll work,don't look at what you get out of a relationship,look at what you put in and how to make it better.I think people need to look at their expectations of marriage before they get married and discuss them.Your wedding day is important but you have the rest of your lives together and that takes some thought and planning just like the wedding. One of my sisters has lived with her boyfriend for many years and they have their wills made out and everything taken care of in case anything happens.They don't see the point in getting married.As a few other people have said as well,if you're religious get married in the church you attend,otherwise there are nice hotels and other places where beautiful photos can be taken of your special day. Wendy

Hi David, ive just come back on and read your reply. Answer is im not sure if i want to marry, although ive not got anything agains marriage but i definately think we should have the option. I also think same sex couples who live together for years should be given a better deal financially and classed the same as heterosexual couples when it comes to working tax credits etc.

Aren't people interesting:) As I've said, it's not an option for me but I still have the old fashioned idea that marriage is a sort of ultimate commitment - probably because my parents have had a long and happy one. Sheila from Northumberland - can I ask you what you would do if we could marry the same as anyone else? Would you? And if you would, would it be church, registry office or neither?

hiya, i live with my fella. We moved in to a flat together after only being with eachother a month. we have now been together 2 1/2 months and its still going great. Our parents were shocked when we told them our plans (after 2 weeks of being together) but stuck by us as they could see how happy we both were/are together, his mum and dad even drove us round looking at flats until we found the right one. We both want marriage and a family, but i dont think we will rush that as much as we rushed moving into together, we are both 19, he is a chef and has so much ambition, i want him to make something of himself before we have kiddies xxx

I've been around a time or three , like marriage and am all in favour of commitments. At the risk of putting a new spin on this, experience suggests that some sort of pre agreement on assets is desirable, taking full account of current family law practice (rather than trying to get around it). Further, I'd suggest less formal agreement on lots of other things big or small, like how do we balance our careers, where do we live, who cleans the budgies cage...etc I think today's women have it harder , transitioning from career to mother, but of course it doesn't have to be that black and white choice, and having had two wives go up the wall after making the house mum choice and then hating it, I think a lot more pre planning of the ' what if's' would have been much smarter. Any thoughts?

We live together with my dad who is 85.He didn't have a very happy time married to my mother who was very unpleasant to me as well.My partner had an overbearing mother who very quickly alienated me so he goes to see her and I don't.None of us has ever had such tranquility in our lives.Of course we all have our individual scars but they are healing and it is great.Three old hippies each doing our own thing and looking out for each other.I have a much better relationship with my dad as he is not trying to conform now to some pre-determined pattern anymore,apparently he gave me no support in the problems with my mother as it was his place to keep out of it!If we were to marry now we would all have a niche to slip into and of course we would not be old hippies any more.

I would like to get married one day but it will only be so we can celebrate our love for each other. No church wedding (I'm not religious)

What a great discussion! Personally, I strongly believe in marriage because it shows full commitment. I did live with my hubby for a few months before we got married, but that was more for a practical reason and we were engaged already. I am proud to have my husbands name. It shows I belong WITH him (not to him). Just out of curiosity, I asked him once if he would have taken my name had I not wanted to take his, and he said he would have been happy to. Also, we knew we wanted children and I just don't feel personally that is is right (for me at least). I wanted the whole family to have the same name and be Mr and Mrs 2.4 kids. Gosh I am SOOOO corny aren't I? Having said all that, my best friend co- habited for years before marriage, the marriage broke down after a few months, they separated and then a year later got back together and are happily co- habiting again so it obviously didn't work for them hey! I'll stop waffling now ;o) Claire xx

My parents still aren't married, mainly because they would like a nice big wedding but don't have the money, or when they try and save a family holiday seems a better idea or something. They have lived together for 16 years and had 3 children in that time. Just thought i'd throw my story in the pot.

Hi, I lived with my first husband for 3 years before getting married to him. as soon as he had the ring on my finger he was the most over controling violent person i have ever known. the reason i married him was because we had a daughter and i was told by my nan that she would never forgive me if i brought my child up out of wedlock 'like my mother'. we ended up divorcing. i then met my new husband in 2001 and lived together until we married last year, and he is the complete opposite hes kind loving and great with my two kids from my first marriage. in fact hes perfect. so although its romantic to save everything until your married and not live in sin, i dont believe that you see the full side of someone till there is that ring signifying that you are joined AS ONE. but thats my oppinion corrina xx

Kerry, because my partner is a she too

Sheila, why aren`t you allowed to marry your partner?

Im not allowed to marry my partner so the question's immaterial

Anthony I couldn,t agree more. I have been living with my partner for 17yrs. I am 60 this year, and we are getting married in May. Why? comittment.

Not being a Christian, for a long time I didn't see the purpose of marriage, we didn't need to validate my relationship 'in the eyes of God', and we didn't see how a piece of paper would make our relationship stronger. My partner and I lived together for several years, quite happily, and didn't feel the need to marry. However, when we decided to try for a child, we decided to get married, as we felt it was the 'right thing to do'. Thats the only reason though. We were quite happy as we were, when it was just the two of us. As far as I'm concerned, it's personal choice - marry if you wish, if you don't want to, then don't. oh and before anyone asks - yes, I'm a bit of a hypocrite, as we had a church wedding (because my wife wanted to and, as aeveryone knows, its the bride's day really). Paul

Just like to add my thoughts. I have been living with my partner now for 12 years. We have both been married before ( previous Spouse's )and are both over 50 years of age. We have talked about marriage whils't living to-gether during this time, but the stigma that marriage once held is not there anymore, because we both know that love is more than 'stars' and 'dreams', it is commitment, and you dont know this until you practice the good times, the bad times, and the hard times. When your young you fall in love, get engaged, get married, buy a home, and have children if possible. ( Normal young peoples routine.) Fall in love: How do you fall in love?? Is love a great looking guy or girl. Is love a blonde on the beach, or a bloke with a six pack. Is love saying, i love you. ( easy to say i love you, lets get married and live happily ever after ) Love has multiple meanings to me. When my first wife died, i was wiping her backside, as she could not control herself. ( cancer.) 6 years of it. Thats when i learnt the word LOVE = COMMITMENT = LOVE.) My attitude had changed. Before you buy a car,you normally take it for a test run, and if you like it, you make a commitment to buy it. You polish it, you wash it, you vacumm it, and you take care of it, and it lasts a long time if your lucky. We will marry later this year, because we are committed to each other after practising for a while. My thoughts only. Tony Oz.

I think it's a lovely idea to be able to get married and then live together, and then think of starting a family etc. But, after the obvious fact of if you marry before you've lived together, how on earth do you really know who you're marrying. You can't. If you're not with someone 24/7 you don't see the person as a whole. You're only experiencing snipets of them when they take you out etc. Secondly, how is a young couple expected to pay for a wedding and then shell out for even the smallest deposit on their marital home. I think that's probably one of biggest reasons people live together first. They can afford to buy a house, start making it into a home and then think about saving for the wedding.