General Chat

What a great discussion! Personally, I strongly believe in marriage because it shows full commitment. I did live with my hubby for a few months before we got married, but that was more for a practical reason and we were engaged already. I am proud to have my husbands name. It shows I belong WITH him (not to him). Just out of curiosity, I asked him once if he would have taken my name had I not wanted to take his, and he said he would have been happy to. Also, we knew we wanted children and I just don't feel personally that is is right (for me at least). I wanted the whole family to have the same name and be Mr and Mrs 2.4 kids. Gosh I am SOOOO corny aren't I? Having said all that, my best friend co- habited for years before marriage, the marriage broke down after a few months, they separated and then a year later got back together and are happily co- habiting again so it obviously didn't work for them hey! I'll stop waffling now ;o) Claire xx

I would like to get married one day but it will only be so we can celebrate our love for each other. No church wedding (I'm not religious)

We live together with my dad who is 85.He didn't have a very happy time married to my mother who was very unpleasant to me as well.My partner had an overbearing mother who very quickly alienated me so he goes to see her and I don't.None of us has ever had such tranquility in our lives.Of course we all have our individual scars but they are healing and it is great.Three old hippies each doing our own thing and looking out for each other.I have a much better relationship with my dad as he is not trying to conform now to some pre-determined pattern anymore,apparently he gave me no support in the problems with my mother as it was his place to keep out of it!If we were to marry now we would all have a niche to slip into and of course we would not be old hippies any more.

I've been around a time or three , like marriage and am all in favour of commitments. At the risk of putting a new spin on this, experience suggests that some sort of pre agreement on assets is desirable, taking full account of current family law practice (rather than trying to get around it). Further, I'd suggest less formal agreement on lots of other things big or small, like how do we balance our careers, where do we live, who cleans the budgies cage...etc I think today's women have it harder , transitioning from career to mother, but of course it doesn't have to be that black and white choice, and having had two wives go up the wall after making the house mum choice and then hating it, I think a lot more pre planning of the ' what if's' would have been much smarter. Any thoughts?

hiya, i live with my fella. We moved in to a flat together after only being with eachother a month. we have now been together 2 1/2 months and its still going great. Our parents were shocked when we told them our plans (after 2 weeks of being together) but stuck by us as they could see how happy we both were/are together, his mum and dad even drove us round looking at flats until we found the right one. We both want marriage and a family, but i dont think we will rush that as much as we rushed moving into together, we are both 19, he is a chef and has so much ambition, i want him to make something of himself before we have kiddies xxx

Aren't people interesting:) As I've said, it's not an option for me but I still have the old fashioned idea that marriage is a sort of ultimate commitment - probably because my parents have had a long and happy one. Sheila from Northumberland - can I ask you what you would do if we could marry the same as anyone else? Would you? And if you would, would it be church, registry office or neither?

Hi David, ive just come back on and read your reply. Answer is im not sure if i want to marry, although ive not got anything agains marriage but i definately think we should have the option. I also think same sex couples who live together for years should be given a better deal financially and classed the same as heterosexual couples when it comes to working tax credits etc.

I think this is a really interesting topic,have just looked at it again after a few hours of doing other things.I said earlier that I don't believe in living together and someone wondered how you can really get to know someone if you don't live with them. I think when you are at the going out stage you can do lots of things to get to know the other person.For example you can take kids ( anyone's )out sometimes to find out how they are with kids,do some voluntary work with them.How do they treat their parents,siblings,older people,animals etc?This gives a good indication of how they are really like.I know that some people change for the worst once they are married,that must be abseloutely terrible and no wonder it puts some people off marriage. I think if both are willing to put the other person first then it'll work,don't look at what you get out of a relationship,look at what you put in and how to make it better.I think people need to look at their expectations of marriage before they get married and discuss them.Your wedding day is important but you have the rest of your lives together and that takes some thought and planning just like the wedding. One of my sisters has lived with her boyfriend for many years and they have their wills made out and everything taken care of in case anything happens.They don't see the point in getting married.As a few other people have said as well,if you're religious get married in the church you attend,otherwise there are nice hotels and other places where beautiful photos can be taken of your special day. Wendy

In fact, getting married and THEN moving in together never even crossed my mind. I just wouldn't do it... maybe a sign of the times? becx

This such an intresting thread,I was going out with my husband at 16 we married at 19,thought we knew each other really well but didnt know he had bad moods,after 2 children and 25 years he had affair we happily seperated,been seperated 6 years now,met new partner he been married twice and divorced and he 9 years younger but we been living together nearly 3 years and i feel i know him better then hubby of 25 years,somehow feel more commited as i know we together because we want to be, he has proposed maybe when i divorced we will marry but i can honestly say im just as happy the way things are....my daughter met her partner when she 17 they started living together when she 21 she 28 on friday they have 5 year old son and 9 month old daughter.....son recently got a flat with his girlfriend he 24 and they've just got engaged..wrong way round?.. maybe, but all happy :)

Lin - I think you've hit the nail on the head there! As long as everyone's happy who cares??? Obviously we're all entitled to our opinions but it's up to the individuals involved. If my parents strongly believed that I should be married before living with someone I still wouldn't! I'm my own person and will control my own life! becx

David, we recently celebrated the civily contracted union of two people who have loved, honored and cherished one another for 25 years. Why did they decide to get married after all those years? Because our Charter of Rights and Freedoms says they can, so they did. It's as simple as that. Best wishes, Patty.

good for you becsxx be happy

What an interesting thread, and such different views - that's what life is all about! I've been married for 37 years this year and wouldnt swop my situation for anything. We've had ups and downs, hundreds of them; and smiles and laughs, millions of them; I count myself fortunate to have found my 'better half'. My opinion is that when you find someone you can fully trust -stick with them, and never betray that trust. Jacqui

I lived with my husband for 13 years and finally dragged him to the register office 15 years ago. I started by living with him as I had never had a thing about getting married, and I felt I wanted to see how we got along living together first. It may sound odd, but as both sets of parents treated us as though we were married it seemed a bit pointless to bother. Then after we'd been together for years, it seemed like NOT being married when we were in all but name was also silly, so we got married. But I think its an individual choice. You can legislate on how people are connected to eachother, but you can't legislate on feelings. nell

Wendy, It is a lovely idea that you get to know someone through courting but in reality how can you learn just from dating, and all the things you suggested, things like: does he rinse the sink out, ever, after shaving. does he think it's your job to do everything in the house even if you both work. does he need 4 strong coffees of a morning before even being able to say good morning. is he in a foul mood after work every day and therefore doesn't play with the kids when he comes in. The list could go on and on, for both sexes obviously. In most cases I'm sure we'd still be with the people we are, idiosyncrasies and all, but a lot of relationships/marriages fail due to a build up of little things that the other party can't stand. Surely it's better to be aware of each others mundane day to day way of life before deciding if you can make that final commitment to each other. I for one would love to live in a world of courtship, marriage then kids, but society is no longer of the 'settle for' nature it once was.

I haven't read all the replies but I would suggest that, before either marriage or living together, a couple should sit down with an impersonal intermediary and discuss their opinions of the important things in life and see if they are compatible - sadly, sexual compatability is only a small part of the whole! Lily

Sheila/David can you not have any kind of cermoney??

Kerry There are so-called ceremonies that we could go through but to be honest I haven't got any time for them - they've no basis in law at all. Some churches will bless unions but I don't agree with those for us or for divorced people (which I am as well) because if the church as an institution is saying that something is wrong I don't see how they can bless it. There is the forthcoming partnership register but I'm beginning to see that as a sop really:) David

I have lived with my partner for 3 yrs and we are getting married next year. Mum was very unsure of it but think that was because she was from a differnet genaration. Theresa. x