General Chat

Perhaps you could ask your GP for his/her opinion, taking into account your health, age, etc.
Perhaps he/she would write a letter to say you are physically unfit to be your husband's main carer?
Let him/her see how stressed you are already. Don't try to be brave!

With a bit of luck, when the OT actually sees the house, they may realise it 's not suitable in any case.

I agree with Linda - you must put your foot down.

Oh dear Joan, It is all very well saying that he will get carers during the day, but I have been through this twice with my parents and it can be a nightmare. For a start, they only come at a time to suit their routine not yours. They have to go to diabetics for “ normal “ mealtimes, so would be turning up at ten am to give him breakfast and coming at four pm to put him to bed. My mum had given him breakfast hours before they turned up.
If your husband has a catheter, how is he supposed to get out of bed to use a commode? It sounds like he can’t get in and out by himself, so you would need to help him.
Sadly your daughter doesn’t seem to be supporting you and is wanting to get her dad home as if that will magically make him better. My sister was totally unrealistic about my parents care as well, she had scales on her eyes, but then she didn’t live nearby so wasn’t the one shouldering the every day care
You must really put your foot down with your daughter and not let her ignore you

Life gets so difficult doesn't it. Of course you'd all like him to be home but maybe you need to be tough with your daughter and ask her what happens when you are snowed in or you have fallen in the dark during a power cut. Or the carer can't get in because the tanker has blocked the road again?

If you can't afford changes to the house how will you pay for his home care after the free weeks are over?

Thankyou names & Argyllgran for your input.

Yes Argyll I think you could be correct about hubby being there today, I did find it difficult to say what I wanted to say especially about MY needs which doesn't seem to be on the agenda !.
Our daughter will be here tomorrow, however she agrees with todays OT person & sees no problem with her dad coming home, but even though she has been a good help to me she isn't going to be here on hand 24/7 & things will fall to me in between the nurses & carers visits !

If it is decided that part of the dining room can house the hospital bed etc, night times are going to be hard for me, the D room is downstairs & my bedroom is upstairs, not ideal if hubby needs me during the early ours perhaps having to go up & down them more than once !

Both hubby & daughter agree with each other about him coming home, but they are not seeing the bigger picture, hubby isn't going to get better,we know that, therefore things are going to get more difficult as time goes on, I'm dreading not being able to do all the things I want to do for him & hubby then having to move out of the house at some point because I am ill.

With regards to any adaptations within the house, that's not an option, we just don't have the money.
I am already stressed what with hubbys illness & now this latest issue & I am left wondering how I will cope & for how long.

Thankyou for listening, I don't know what I would do without being able to talk to you all.

Joan.

Afternoon all.
Oh dear Joan, that's not helpful when people don't listen.

Surely to goodness they realise how old you are!! Yes what happens when the power goes off or during the night? Are you supposed to be the equivalent of a "night carer/nurse?"

I hope your daughter can be with you for the home visit tomorrow. Stand your ground and make them realise how old your house is and that really it's not suitable. Maybe your daughter can get some advice from Social Services as well.

Will be thinking of you tomorrow <3

I had a quiet day except for a basket of ironing. I had the xmas table cloths to iron and put away for another year(3 in total).

Been working on a friends family tree this afternoon and made a little progress!

Shall be speaking to dad later and find out about repairing his conservatory roof, no doubt there will be a long saga there as nothing ever straight forward with him bless him!

Think my tea tonight will be a tuna sandwich with the home made bread as not very hungry today.

Was heavy frost again today but did melt away.Very damp and no wind and feels cold so heating on full blast. Mums boiler was getting a service today so hopefully all went ok as not heard anything to the contrary.

Right need to do some more tree work before teatime.

Florence in the hebrides

I think that's dreadful, Joan.

Of course they are primarily concerned with your husband's welfare - but your own health and wellbeing have a big effect on that.

Do tell tomorrow's OT all your concerns.
It may be easier than it would have been today, when your husband was listening, and when you might not have wanted to sound as if you didn't want him to be at home.

Will your daughter be able to be there too, to reinforce what you say?

If they still think your house is suitable - and it certainly doesn't sound so to me - I fear you will be expected to fund the adaptations.

However, you may be able to get a grant from your local council.
Your local Social Services Dept may also be able to help, or at least advise.

There's quite a lot of info in this link:

https://www.gov.scot/publications/funding-adaptations-home-guide-homeowners/pages/0/

It always seems strange that the 2nd person in the house doesn’t count. Carers are not even allowed to give the 2nd person any help at all. So it is one cup of tea, one sandwich etc.

I’m so glad you’ve got an OT coming out. Hopefully a different one. They will see the state of your rooms and, just as important, hoe easy it is, or not, to actually get to your home.

I think in England, others will confirm, that not all the changes needed are out of your own purse.

Good luck tomorrow.

Hi to all, First of all thankyou so much for all the kind words & thoughts re the meeting this morning.
Hmm, the meeting ! not at all what I was expecting, only "official" person there was the Occupational Therapist, then our daghter me & hubby !
I wasn't impressed & actually end up in tears, as the chat was all about hubbys needs, My needs didn't come into it !

I know full well that hubby has to be catered for but I am the one who will at the end of the day be doing most of the caring.
Hubby would get carer/s for his daily needs, a District nurse to deal with his illness, dressings for his cancer wound, & the changing of his Supra Pubic Cathetar, no carers through the night, that's down to me though I would have to call on our daughter if I needed her help in the early hours !

We will need extra sockets fitted for the hospital bed, & space to accomodate the bed, over bed table, commode, bedside unit.
We would have to have extra sockets installed as there are not many in any of the rooms, I find that worrying as our supply is very old, never been re-wired in our time ( 39yrs) & I would be concerned about overload ! & I am left worrying about that & of any cost that we might have to pay for !
All the rooms are short of sockets but I have managed over the years.

Not at all sure what the position would be re hubby if the power goes off, which happens often here.
The OT didn't want to hear my side of things at all, which is when the tears came !
I have asked for someone to come to the house to check out the prperty as the OT didn't seem to take on board what I was pointing out re the room sizes !

So that's where we left it, hubby wants to come home but as I say no-one is thinking about how I will manage, I'm 77yrs old not 17yrs, & not 100% healthwise.
All this makes me seem very selfish but I am thinking about hubby in all of this, he could end up back in hospital or elsewhere if I become ill or find it all too difficult to cope with !

Someone is coming to see the house tomorrow, another OT, should be interesting to hear what she has to say.

Joan.

Well, the estate agent just rang to say that the young couple who also saw the house on Saturday made us an offer as well. They are in rented, so would have been a good bet, if the second couple hadn’t already offered us 10k more. Having been told that we had accepted a higher offer, they insisted that the estate agent contact us to see if we would change our minds if they beat that offer. The estate agent wasn’t keen, but he had to ask us We aren’t taking part in gazumping, in any case the older couple have already contacted our previous buyers who have agreed to sell them the searches and survey which should really speed things up.

I hope Joan is coping with her meeting today <3

I am so sorry Joan that you are facing such a stressful time, but remember that this is only a preliminary meeting to discuss what is best for your hubby. Nothing is going to happen instantly, it never does in the NHS. Unless they are still stabilising his medical needs, staying in the cottage hospital won’t be a long term option as the beds are in such demand as you found out when you were waiting for one.
The occupational therapists always have to do a home visit, but they aren’t judging you, they are just there to help by providing any equipment you need. Sadly it sounds as if his needs are more than your home can provide for and you may be needing to look for a care home. If you have to choose that option, you will be doing it because of your love for him, so that he can have twenty four hour care

Joan, It might be a bit daunting, but what you have to say is very important.
Remember that although the staff are aware of his medical needs, after a long and happy time together, you know your husband best, so in a way you will be speaking on his behalf with an awareness of his needs and yours in his on-going care.
Maybe in the quiet of your own home today, you could write a few key points, which you want them to consider or questions you need answering.

You don't come over as someone who is timid.
Your voice and opinions are valid and important, so stand your ground.
Will be thinking of you <3

A bitterly cold chill in the air today, but no actual frost on the grass or pavements, when I walked to school.
Definitely a day to try out my new thermal clothing.!
The birdbath was frozen though, but not thick ice. A pigeon took a look and flew to a tree branch in disgust at not getting it's usual drink.Within a minute or two it was back to see if anything had changed :-S before giving it up as a bad job.
At least there was no repeat of yesterday's snow dusting.

Joan, make sure you have primed your daughter with everything you want to say, then if you can't she can.

Sometimes the Occupational therapy team will do home visits prior to discharge to check to see what is needed, hopefully they will do that and see the problems for themselves.

Good luck with it all.

Joan, you must go but remember you have your daughter with you who can speak up for you if it gets a bit difficult.

They will be looking at if your home can be made into a suitable living space to accommodate all of hubby's needs. You have said already that the bathroom is upstairs and he cannot manage a bath. I'm guessing after asking you lots of questions etc, someone may well want to come and look at your house before any decisions are made.

At the end of the day, he probably cannot stay permanently in the cottage hospital?

So the choices will be either, certain adaptation's could be made to your home to accommodate him or sadly maybe he would have to go into a care home.

Either way, this will be a difficult meeting for you and daughter but together you can support the decisions together.

They may ask you about your own health etc to see if you are able to be hubby's carer so make sure you tell them what your own health issues are etc.

I wish you all the luck and hope for a solution that will be beneficial for hubby and yourself.

I have finally replied with 3 cards to friends and now up to date with all their news etc.

Still some of my "concocted" soup from yesterday which to be fair was very tasty. So I had 1 packet of bread mix in and just thrown that in the bread maker to have later on. Should be ready by 5.30 pm.

Still some frost beside the fences which wont defrost now as the sun has moved round. Think it will be another hard frost tonight as well.

Well I'm progressing swiftly through my list of jobs to do for the week so shall carry on for a bit and see how far I get but def not doing ironing this afternoon!!

Florence in the hebrides

Hi Florence. I do hope your mums flat is sold soon for you, not something that happens quickly normallly but at the present time house sales seem to be very slow, so much paper work to be done which takes up so much of the time.

Had a phonecall from daughter today to tell me that the hospital are arranging a meeting tomorrow of the various nursing people, to discuss hubbys future care !
They have asked for me & daughter to attend so that we can add some input & ask questions etc, I hope they will take on board what we have to say'

Though I do want to be there I'm not really looking forward to it, I'm just hoping they don't make us (me in particular) feel uncomfortable in what we might have to say, they being the "officials" I'm a rather quiet / shy person & I am likely to clam up if they get a bit bossy !!

Joan.

Morning all...just

Crisp winter's day here. Bright and sunny but oh my a very heavy frost. The loch is frozen as no water moving. Think it's 2 degrees.

Daughter gone away til Friday so peace and quiet and a tidy house lol. I have several replies to do from xmas cards. A friend of mine, her hubby died several months ago and another isn't well so I need to write one of my handmade blank cards for each.

Got my appointments sorted. Optician 25 Jan, Bone man re organised for 26 Jan and then reorganised Breast screening 30 Jan. So end of month i shall be gallivanting for 3 days :-D :-D :-D

Put out some bread and bird seed today and the usual family of crows, seagulls, starling, blackbirds and pigeons descended in their hundreds fighting over the food! But then suddenly little Robbie was perched in my big black tub as daughter threw some seeds in there Haven't seen Robbie for ages so was a delight to see him again.The ground is so hard with frost, it makes it difficult for the birds to search for worms etc. But like a giant hoover, the food was all gone in minutes!

My Amaryllis plant is about to fully open. The tallest of 3 flowers and its bright red. They will look beautiful once the 3 are fully open.Never known a plant to grow so quick.

Estate agents just phoned to say, everything is bobbing along very well. Searches etc have all been done. My paperwork was sent Friday but no sure if brother has received it yet. The post is so slow. We don't seem to get any for days on end, def gone downhill these days.

Joan, I fully understand your position with your home. Traditional cottages like my old home have small rooms so really not easy to switch things around. Carers need room to move around the bed and as you said, a hospital bed is quite bigger than a normal single bed. Hubby is in the best place for now and being well looked after and that's what matters.

Hope you are keeping warm. I had the heating on from early afternoon until 9pm yesterday in the lounge as felt it really cold. But we will be in mid January next week so Spring will be following behind hopefully.

Hope all is well with anyone else looking in.
Take care when out and about, its very slippy.

Florence in the hebrides

Morning to all.
Oh Florence what a shame about the conservatory, I hope the damage will be sorted very soon, & in the meantime that the conservatory is protected from the weather ?

Re my hubby being discharged from hospital, I don't know at this stage what is going to happen,he is quite ill & other things keep cropping up which puts him back, so goodness lnows how things will go !

We have a cottage & yes it's detached but far from big, it is VERY old, the typical Scottage cottage with small rooms. I do have a spare bedroom but it is small ( not much bigger than a box room, with only a single bed & chest of drawers in it, it couldn't accommodate a hospital type of bed (which has been suggested in the past,) the bed alone would not leave any room for other items required or people to work round it !

I do have a dining room but again I would have to empty it completely & where then do I stow the furniture, not much storage in the house so every room & every item is in use, also the bathroom is upstairs so the dining room is really not an option !
We don't have a shower only the bath which hubby cannot get into or out of even with help.
Any adaptions to the house would not be easy nor straightforward, I would be somewhat concerned due to the age of the property any changes needed is likely to show up other problems.l

Anyway that's enough of my problems.
Not a bad day for us today, dry & calm but dull so far though the sun is trying it's best to shine, no frost overnight or this morning but it's still chilly.

I hope all is well with everyone else, do take care if out & about.

Joan.

.

Names, dad is in West Sussex but the person who lives with him was a good friend who has become his "unofficial carer". he doesn't claim carers allowance for him. he is also a lot younger at 67(dad is 87)

Dads very old school and doesn't like strangers coming to his flat and likes to keep all his affairs private.

But they said because he had someone living with him that could assist if necessary, he was allowed home .

It depends on the person's needs. My dad can still manage to bath himself, get dressed etc and make light meals. Whereas with Joan's hubby, he's not very mobile so his needs are far greater, It also depends on your home.

If all your bedrooms are upstairs and it's not possible to make a bedroom downstairs and your bathroom is upstairs, that would make it not very suitable for a person with mobility/other needs.

It's a very hard situation to be in with no easy solution.

Big hugs to Joan

<3

Florence in the hebrides

:-S Florence’s dad is in Kent and doesn’t he have a live in carer?

Florence, your mixed soup reminded me of the one night a week my dad ‘cooked’ the evening meal.
Two packets of dried soup (knorr probably)mixed together - I don’t think it mattered what flavour it was.

Oh dear Florence, what a disaster for your dad and for the person who owns the flat

I don’t know what the system in Scotland is, but here if someone is discharged from hospital, it would be with a care package free for the first six weeks. The carers come in three times a day to deal with the personal needs. After that it depends on your finances if you need to pay for continuing care. They come out and do a home assessment to see what is needed before the discharge.
It may be that even with that, you feel that you couldn’t cope, especially with problems during the night. Sadly in that case,you may need to look for a care home. It must be such a difficult time for you having to cope with such changes in your life <3 <3

Afternoon everyone looking in.

Same weather here AG and Joan, heavy frost, but bright and sunny but oh sooo cold brrr. The sun did melt the driveway fairly quickly but on the grass in the corners, it is still there. With the sun starting to go down, no doubt it will freeze again here tonight.

I heard down in Kent in Maidstone, they have snow!!! something we dont want.

Great news Linda on your offer being accepted and a higher one too. So hope this time all goes through for you.

Joan, its hard making a dinner for one. When my daughter was away over xmas, i made very little dinners just for myself but I still ate well. Tonight I have emptied 2 tins of "cheap soup" in a pan and added some black pepper, some herbs and tom puree. I found some naan bread lurking in the freezer so shall have that too.

No idea what the mixed soup will taste like but i think it will be ok.
Your hubby is in the best place and getting all his needs attended too which if he was at home would be very hard on you. At least you are able to visit frequently.

Spoke with dad last night and there has been a disaster!!! He discovered why the tv in his carers room wasnt working. It is because the storm had snapped the pole securing the sat dish in half but.....it crashed landed down onto the conservatory roof and fell through the glass. The downstairs is now a flat and the owner is out of the country.

Dad is the leaseholder so he's responsible for the buildings insurance anyway. Today he had 2 companies coming round to give a quote and he was going to phone Insurance company as well.

That conservatory was where I played as a child when my grandparents had the whole house and nothing ever fell on the roof except for the neighbours cat occasionally!

What next I ask myself as dad has enough to deal with with his health.

I have just put the heating on as starting to feel chilly with the sun now gone.

So stay cosy everyone

Florence in the hebrides