General Chat

I agree with you Lindylu................I have every sympathy for the searcher, but to put so much personal detail in the original public post is wrong, for whatever reason.

Sorry Kay...............desperation doesn't mean you need to give someone else's details on a public forum..........by pm by all means, just not on the open boards.

Julia ,

Because for the reasons I said that is not foremost on their minds,

*they just want to find*

But Lindy that doesnt apply to all and some possibly like the other poster prowls these boards just in the hope of,seeing they are being looked for,,,,,,,,,?

And we dont know what infomation people have down in black and white which they are just stating the truth about whos being looked for,,,,

Please dont be harsh on them,,most of you have never knocked on desperation's door......!

Then we will just have to agree to differ on this one. I sincerely hope the son finds his father, there is nothing more heartwarming than a family being reunited like that. But, just as you dont agree with me, and I respect that, I still dont think someones name and address should be put on Genes Reunited for the whole word to see.

What are the trying to find boards for ! ...if not for trying to find somebody! what are the point of all these records we have access to! why ask others on this board for look up...thought the idea was to reunite people! so why can't a son ask for help to find his Father, sorry I don't agree with you.

Belair

I am the child of an unmarried mother from the 50's, who luckily, like you had a supportive family. My mother has never married, I know who my father is (or was as he is dead now) he never supported me either, not a single penny. However, if he was alive and I saw his name on here and it made me feel hurt and angry, no I would not mention his name, I would merely contact him and ask him what his feelings were. However, as has been said, if you want to mention his name its entirely up to you. We are all different and react to things differently. You and my mother were two of the lucky few who had families who stood by them - that is worth far more to me than some wayward man who doesnt want to know.

Lynda...............I see your point, but still think it's wrong to put full names and extra details of the parent they are seeking on the board.

There is no reason why they can't give say a first name or a surname and year and area they themselves were born..................and leave the more detailed information to be exchanged via pm.

Anonymity works both ways................and feelings on both sides need to be considered, not just the person searching.

Julia..............oops we think alike:))) Missed your post as I wanted to reply to Linda:))

i found family members who i had never met,things are now very good and have met up a few times,time goes by so quick it sometimes makes contacting people harder the more the years pass

I don't know if it is allowed, but if GR won't 'police' such threads,and make it part of their T&C, can't we as a collective of posters do it ourselves. For instance, when this happens, politely tell them to remove their thread, and insert what I suggested in my previous post. I realise that it will have appeared, but if it is removed soon after, at least not too many people would have read it. Eventually, people hopefully, will get the message. After all,there are some warning threads on the boards, eg.old posts etc
Just a mere suggestion
Julia in Derbyshire

Carrying on from what has been written I was an unmarried mother during the sixties, I was looked down on from my most of my friends parents (they must have thought that I would be a bad influence on their daughters), but my parents accepted the fact and I had a lovely son and bought him up at home with my parents help, this was very difficult, no free nursery places and only £2 a week maintenance (from a court order). His father never wanted to know from the moment I told him about the pregnancy. When my son was six I married and we have been married now for nearly 37 years and he has always called my husband Dad and they get along great. My son is now an unmarried Father, his son will be 18 this year, he is a real father to his son, they see each other all the time and do things together.
My son's Birth Father is registered on this site! and seeing his name has made me feel hurt and angry thinking he never wanted to know or have contact with my son. I see on here that he has a daughter, wonder if she knows about her half brother or her lovely nephew! are you saying that he's name can't be mentioned!

Julia

Great idea! At least that way a persons privacy is not being invaded. No matter what the circumstances we are all entitled to privacy.

But I dont have that right, I dont have the right to get involved in someones life when it could cause such trouble. As much as I think the child/parent has the right to know, I also believe that they both are entitled to privacy.

As everyone is pointing out, all cases are different and I am sure some people would be delighted to see their name on here with a parent or child who is looking for them, but I also think that for others it could be opening up a can of worms that should really stay closed especially to the public.

I contributed to a similar thread to this last week. Why do people in this position not put up thread along the following lines:-
" I am looking for my biological father/mother/sister/brother. Would anyone who is prepared to help me in this quest, be kind enough to PM me for whatever details I have". This would save anyones private details from being revealed here on the boards.
Although I have only been on Genes just over a year, I have become increasing disturbed by the practice of 'reveal all in the first instance'
Julia in Derbyshire

I don't condem them at all I just think caution is called for.

Adding their reasons would only make me even more determined not to get involved. Not that I ever get involved in trying to trace living people.

If I saw my name and last known address on here I would be absolutley livid.

You are right when you say it is their business, but they are involving other people by stating names and address which are personal information.

There goes the old saying,,,

None so blind*and Im sure sense , reasons & consequenses is not standing by their side when they post, and may carry a grain or not all the truth ,,,,,,,, these people are taking a desperate measure in what they do,and if they see it as the the only means they know how,,its not for us to comdem their actions.right or wrong,
We are not in their position.

Why not try tracing someone without giving the reason. You dont have to say 'I think he's my biological father', just state that you would like them to contact you.

Its very personal and shouldnt be broadcast to the world. It may turn out that the person in question is in fact NOT the father and think what trouble that may have caused them.

What if they have a new life and a new family and don't want the world to know there last known address?

how many people on here have posted details on here of people they are looking for and had a suscess?
the sun does a similar thing in tracing people,if the person being traced doesnt want to get in touch they dont have to reply!!

The point is each case is different and therefore should be treated with caution.
If you add the 'alleged' fathers name and last known address on an open forum you could be opening up all kinds of things.

My sister is the child not the parent and I know full well what her views are on being found...as I say each case is different.

Elizabeth

I'm with you on this one. It just doesnt sit right with me.

It really isnt always someones 'fault' that these things happen, I understand the childs needs must be very great, but I think the approach should be made softly softly.

A friend of mine found herself pregnant at 13 (way back in the 70's), her horrified parents sent her away to Scotland to have the child which was subsequently adopted and she came back after her 'holiday', nobody being the wiser. She was told not to talk about it to anyone, her parents made her feel she had committed a mortal sin, she suffered badly over the years because of this 'secret' and felt ashamed of herself. Her son has since been in contact with her, he did it through his own searching and help from the salvation army and adoption agencies and they have a very good relationship, but I dread to think what heartache and damage could have been caused for her, her family and her adopted sons family if their names had been plastered all over these boards for people to see. She was a kid, there but for the grace of God.....