General Chat

I managed to find my father through this site so i can honestly say i know how it feels to grow up without a father in your life and wanting to find him, but in my case it didnt turn out as i expected, everything was fine to begin with but after less then a year he has stopped all contact with me and my children.
So I really hope that people trying to trace their fathers or mothers dont end up like me, been happy at finding their relative and getting on well with them just to be told that they dont want contact with them anymore and that they are no longer their daughter/son.
Sorry to have changed what this thread was about but just felt the need to say about my experience on finding my father who I had waited 32 years to meet

Just wanted to add, as someone who is adopted, I do know the name and approximate age of my birth mother and once I did look her up to see if she was on this site and she was (or certainly it was someone of the correct name and age). I didn't, however, get in contact with her, a) because I was just looking out of interest, b) because I did once research her birth details and discovered there was another woman of the same name born in the same area (so I can't guarantee it is her) and c) because if I did want to contact her, I would go to the agency I was adopted through and request contact (or whatever it is you do).

I think with adoptions they do suggest you have counselling before making contact for a reason - if somebody was inclined to bypass that and try to contact a parent through this site, they would have to consider if they were prepared to be told that their parent didn't want to know them and if that was the case, it would make it impossible to follow things up through more "official" channels at a later time.

I don't know whether people realise, but (also) I put a trying to find message up about my great-grandma ages ago, who had a very distinctive middle name. Sometime later, I was googling information about my relatives and what should come in my search but my trying to find message on this site! Now swap my great-grandma for the details of a living person and you could have a problem.

I'm not taking sides on this either, but, when I clicked onto TTF first thing this morning, nearly every post on the first page was looking for living relatives as was many others on subsequent pages. All gave personell details. There has to be a more descreet way to go about this, to protect all parties concerned. I get rather alarmed at this, and it is getting worse daily.
Julia in Derbyshire

I haven't sided with either the child or the absent parent......................not intentionally anyway.

I feel as Sally does and would prefer it if people went through the many organisations around instead of posting names, addresses etc on a board like this.

However I can understand the need to find birth parents, but it is tempered with the possible upset caused to innocent members of the absent father/mothers family now.

My minority opinion I know, but that's how I feel about the subject.

I was asked by my cousins to find their Mother's real family. She has been dead many years. Her children knew she was adopted, and they really wanted to know more about her real family.

I have found this out for them, and their real Grandmother had falsified the birth certificate, giving fictitious names for father, and her maiden name, she gave as that of her mother's maiden name.

Would appear she was sent away to have the baby, this was in 1918, and married then in 1919. I cant tell my cousins if this was their Grandfather. We just dont know if he was the father, or someone else.

So just shows seems most people want to know their true roots.

A true father not only TALKS the TALK he WALKS the WALK.

I am wondering why so many seem to show more sympathy with the absent father! than the mother who is left alone to bring up a child.

just read this article.

Forty fathers who are failing to support their children were "named and shamed" for the first time by the Child Support Agency yesterday.

The names were published on the agency's website as part of a Government promise made by John Hutton, the Work and Pensions Secretary, last December to "come down like a ton of bricks" on absentee parents.

All the men on the list have been taken to court by the agency - which is due to be scrapped after 13 years of computer problems and missed payments of about £3.5 billion - and found guilty of failing to provide information, or giving false information, that was needed for child support payments to be obtained from them.

"We are making an example of non-resident parents who commit these offences to encourage others to give us the information we need straight away," the agency said.

However, the Conservatives have already dismissed the move as a "knee-jerk reaction" that would do little to resolve the CSA's many problems. David Laws, the Liberal Democrat spokesman on work and pensions, described it as "a gimmick".

He added: "Listing people's names on a website is likely to be totally ineffective and could be seen by some people more as a badge of pride than a badge of shame."

Charities for single parents were not impressed either. A spokesman for One Parent Families said: "This is a headline-grabbing measure that might not be in the best interests of the children involved.

"By identifying fathers, it could open the way for children to be taunted or bullied in the playground. What is needed is systemic change that leads to robust enforcement from the start - not naming and shaming at the end."

The first 40 to be named were prosecuted between January and March this year and the approval of the mothers of the children was obtained in each case. More names will be added to the list every month.

Details of the punishments given to the fathers - most received fines of between £50 and £1,000 - are listed on the site, at www.csa.gov.uk, along with the courts where the men appeared. Three fathers listed were given conditional discharges while one was required only to pay legal costs.

The agency said: "We hope that even those who are most determined to avoid their legal responsibilities will respond positively, so that this measure is not required in the future."

The Government plans to replace the CSA with a new Child Maintenance and Enforcement Commission in about three years. The commission will have the power to deduct money from non-payers' bank accounts, as well as take away passports and impose curfews.

Official figures released this month showed that the CSA was failing to collect maintenance in 34 per cent of cases where liability had been established, an increase from the 30 per cent of a year ago.

I'll just point you all in the direction of my 'A cautinary tale' thread so you can see why we must think very carefully about giving out information freely.
http://www.genesreunited.co.uk/boards.asp?wci=thread&tk=1056944

Can I just put my twopennorth worth in here? People are talking about the pain and desperate need of the people putting up the TTF threads. What we all need to remember is that we know NOTHING about these posters and their true motives for the requests.
It could be above board but it could also well be about other, deeper and darker motives.
I would urge caution from everyone in searching for living people until the searcher has been found to be truthful.
It isn't our place to search out people who have disappeared for possibly very good reasons.

Philippa, what a happy ending and how cruel of your family to lie to your son after what they already put you both through.
Tamia, glad things worked out for your family too.
Lizxx

well 2 lovley heart warming stories of reunions ,Tamia and Phillipa, wonderful for you all,,

,Ok ,its not the ideal way to find your information putting it on anysite ,but as said desperate means often mean desperate measures,,often with suprising outcomes,.

Gerald
It's takes a nig man to put down in words how he feels about his dream to meet his child.

Pray that he will one day decide to try to find you.

It is a difficicult situation and Gerald I do really feel for you.

There are ways of an adopted person finding a natural parent or the parent to find their child but it can work out quite expensive.

I was forced to surrender my son (born 1981 , adoption finalised 1982) when I was 19 for no other reason than that's what my parents wanted. Basically because I didn't know my rights the adoption went through so it was actually an illegal adoption.

My son started searching for me in 1999 when he turned 18 which included finding my family but they lied to him for the next 5 years and told him they didn't know where I was. He put my details on here and by sheer chance I joined up because my husband and I wanted to trace our family trees- this was back in 2004. We do actually have a website of our family tree now which I am gradually getting on here too - long story but I kept having probs getting in on my original details so rejoined. Anyway the day I originally joined I found out my son had already put my details on here so I contacted him.

Ours is a happy ending story as he moved in with us on the 21st December 2006.

Well that's good for the youngsters then. Pity our government don't take the same tack as where you are, so many get away without paying up. I too love the Lottery freeze bit. Mind you, sure to be the ones who do pay get hammered and some still get away scot free.
Yes my lad knows his relatives and his family history, we were back in Malta last October after 12 yrs and now his half brother knows all about him so at last Nanna had my lad's photo out on show, it brought a tear to my eye I can tell you.
They are a funny lot tho, none of them sent him a birthday card the other week not even his Nan. His stepmother phoned to say happy birthday a week before and put his father on to speak to him, all he could do was ask my lad about getting a certain mobile phone and sending it over! Seems all they want the English rellies for is shopping! My lad fobbed him off and told me he won't be getting the phone, he hasn't the money and can't be sure they would send it to him so is forgetting that request lol
Off to bed now,
night Dame,
Lizxx

Liz I think this law has a lot to do with *deadbeat dads* who refuse to pay child support, paternity can alway be determined by DNA if that be the case..They are really hot over here on dad's paying there due and if they get in arrears on child support it stays on the books no matter what, any job they are found at the wages are garnished and also they cannot have a driving license if they are in arrears, being as it is a luxury the government can suspend indefinately also I love this any lotto winning they claim will not be payed out lol until they government get's it's cut also goes for tax rebates ect...So this is good in a lot of ways and in others not so good..

At least your son knows about his family history some don't at all, I don't know if there is a statute of limitations on establishing paternity in the E.E.C. countries..

Edit:This also applies to women who have to pay child support...

Well that's interesting, that a new rule is being made that all birth certificates should carry the father's and mother's name. The mother's is easy, the father's could be more difficult. What about the girls who have a one night stand and get pregnant with no idea of the father's name or if she would even recognise him again (please note I am not judging.)
What about someone like me? I had a planned child from my relationship with my boyfriend in another country, then he decided he hadn't meant us to have a child so soon (my son was conceived in the first week of trying!!!) so the relationship ceased and I ended up back in England. There was no way he would have put his name to anything, how would I have got on with the authorities?
Don't get me wrong, I am all for a child knowing who both its parents are but can see some difficulties with the form filling, especially if the father doesn't have to be present at the time, will the girls be able to stick anyone's name down?

My o.h. has a daughter from a relationship when he was young, his father discouraged him from acknowledging the child - the mother didn't take him to court to prove paternity (and they didn't do dna then) till the child was about three or four, by which time he was engaged to someone else. She would have been 33 last month but he never acknowledges her birthdate, don't suppose he even remembers it. He never told the wife, his sons have no idea they have a half sister and when he was seperated and the woman contacted him when the girl was 18 and wanted to know about her father, he arranged to meet her and then backed out. His excuse? He was depressed at the time and thought he was seeing the girl to cheer himself up so didn't go!!! Dolt! Did he not consider how that girl felt being so close to knowing him and then having the chance snatched away.
He did get talking about the relationship with the woman the other night (well she was a young girl when he first went out with her, they were together for about 5 years) and I think he wonders about her. He did say his boys don't know but I can't see him telling them, and his ex doesn't know of course. It seems to be it is only me he opens his heart to about things in his past. I have tried to locate this girl but to no avail.
His father disgusts me that he could disregard his first grandchild and not encourage his son to face up to his responsibilities - o.h. never paid a penny towards her keep and was never chased for any money either. Maybe the woman married someone who took the girl on, I don't know.
I do think altho she doesn't know it, the girl has not missed out by not knowing o.h. - he is not an easy person to know and he would probably have given her more heartache than he has already.

Good luck to anyone trying to find close relatives, I can't imagine how it must feel to wonder who your parents are.
Lizxx

I have to agree with Belair on this point, the laws do need to be reformed, there is a right way and a wrong way to search for a living relative, but if you are desperate and seeking you may try anything you can think of..There have been loads of re-unions on this site some good some bad but thats life, I wish they would put a board up for this purpose of finding living people with rules as what can be said to protect all, members only of course...Good luck to all...

As a completely different slant on this thread.
I am 41 years old.
Just over a year ago I was merrily reading the trying to find pages and right bang smack on the top was a message from a man looking for his biological mother.
Who as it happened was my mother.
To say i was surprised was an understatement !!!
But did I get over it YES.
I replied to him,and told mum he was looking for her.
She was shocked and upset but after a few months she had a complete turnaround and wanted to meet him which they did.
Now if he had not put her details on that board he would never have found her as my parents had left the country he was born in more than 40 yrs ago and he had managed to trace her via the salvation army as far as their marriage but came to a dead end.
It has worked out well for us and Im glad he did it and so was my mother who never would have met him otherwise

I have plastered my biological fathers name on these boards.When i posted i didn't really think about it,i just did it. I didn't put a full address up. I would dearly like to know more About my father and his families. All little niggley questions. I do know he knew about me i have a newspaper report, he tried my nans house at one point. She wasn't even sure mum had me, let alone whether she had kept me. But she told him she knew nothing about my existence. Which at the time was true as they weren't talking,lol.I wasn't adopted.
How else can i find him? No one and plenty have tried can find him. So i doubt i ever will.I also realise he may not want to be found.
Thing is with help from these boards and Jean i/we have found 7 out of 8 of my mums siblings. And also her mum and dad, no happy ending as they both died very young,but she now knows.
I doubt that there will ever be a right or wrong way as every has a different reason.

Kay????

I agree wholeheartedly with what you have said - it is the reason for why I spend a great deal of my time behind the scenes helping them.

And I still feel it is not for me to tell them how much or how little info they should post - all I can do is give them the info I find privately.

Mary

Edit: As GG points out......maybe it won't have a happy ending for some, but again, it is not for me to decide that for them. Nor try to dissuade them from searching for their "roots" or trying to make contact - they are adults and it is their decision to make not mine.

I don't think that the people who are trying to find parents/siblings think about the consequences to the person they are looking for, they are just desperate to find them that they post all the details that they know, I don't think they ever think of the possibility that the person that they are looking for may not want to know and that the 'happy reunion' they are looking for will never be there