Genealogy Chat

Georgina. I can understand your worries and they seem a bit like your grandma's. That is, if you let someone get close to you it would hurt a lot if they let you down. If that is the case then you should stay away. However, you have written here so I think that you really want to go and see her. If you don't then you will never get to know her or what makes her the way she is. If you do and it doesn't work out you will have tried. I can't tell you what to do but can only pass on the experience of not knowing because I didn't try. It hurts. If you go Please don't interrogate her or try to catch her lying, just have a chat and a cuppa....you maylearn what makes you both tick. Roger in Eastbourne

If I may say so Georgina - I think you have inherited some of her stubbornness! :0) You want her to be understanding - but you are unwilling to make an effort too. I will not try and change your mind - but ask you to consider what I said before. Take Care, -Kat

gina, I can sympathise with you, my Nana was very similar, not to your granma's extent, but she was also a "do what I say not what I do" type person, but I loved her to bits. Going on though, my Nana told the "untruth" so many times, it enevitably became the "truth" to her. It has only been since I have started this research that I have found out she critisised and moaned to us about the things we were doing, but in fact she had done the same things in her life. Things have not really changed, its just people attitudes towards those things that have changed. So please Gina, your Nana may seem angry with everyone, but I bet deep down she really cares, and she is the only Nana on that side of your family you'll ever have. My parting words with my Nana 2 yrs ago, when she was dying, I said that I loved her and she replied "well I should bloody well hope so!" and that was her way of saying she loved me! never actually said the words mind! but I knew what she meant. Don't make the bridge too wide as sometimes it collapses and it can't be rebuilt. Kim

thanks kat x. i do understand what your saying & i do realise that it was v different in those days. what i don't understand is why is she so horrible now? she cannot say anything nice about anyone. my mum,step-dad, friends. ppl that do things to help her arn't doing them right!! things in society are so relaxed now, she dosn't know that we know about her lying etc. she had the opp last wk to tell her sister (my mum's aunt) the correct age she wouldn't have realised she knew she had lied, but she did'nt. i don't believe that if i were to go over she would even remember the whole truth after believing the lies herself for all these years. no. i'm not gonna do it. gina

Well said Kat, I couldn't have put it any better! Maggy,West Yorkshire

Hi, Remember that when your grandmother was getting married and having kids society had different views on the world. She would have been forced to marry the father of her child or face being completely rejected by her family, friends and neighbours. You say you married for same reason - well imagine what it would have been like if you hadn't had any support from ANYONE in the world. Only their scorn. It is understandable that you are upset by the way she reacts to your and your mothers relationships etc - but she probably knows no other way. Often women were forced to give their first chidlren up for adoption because of the scandal or financial circumstances. Maybe she was just dissappointed to see you and your mum making the same 'mistakes' as the ones that made her so unhappy when she was young - and because of her upbringing she deals with it in the wrong way. Things really were hard for women in her day - and that is bound to effect how she interacts with the world now. Try talking to her. Please. You say you have no loving feelings for her - but if you do not make an effort to change that then you will regret it in the longrun. She may not seem to have much affection for you - but so long as you make the effort to do everything you can to show her YOU care, it will not haunt you in years to come. She is, afterall, your grandmother. That makes her a part of your life - and of your kids lives and eventually your grandchildrens lives. When they ask questions about their great grandma, or great great grandmother you and your kids would hate to only have bad things to say about her. Think about it. Please. Just don't expect her to change - instead, encourage her to accept you. Take Care, -Kat

jim : do you mean me hold my head up or my grandma?

Such a sad story but all too common. I felt that perhaps this lady is trying to cover her own embarrasment or shame. I also feel that grandparents are so important to the younger generation they have masses of experience to pass on and this one probably doesn't know how. I enjoy my grandchildren and feel for the writer. All I can say to her is Hold your Head High and be proud of what you are.

my mum sees her sister(my grandma's) once a week. she's never mentioned anything. but i'll get her to ask. carefully. thanks. gina

This is such a hard one. Im a foster carer and come across these sort of problems all the time. it could be something that may have happened to her as a child and she cant help but push everyone who cares for her away as this could be her way of coping with it. She could also feel that anyone close to her is going to hurt her or she doesnt know how to show affection to other people as she was never taught as a child. Lisa

we have always known that my grandma (still living) has been married 5 times. she has always been very opinionated. i 'had' to get married when pg. so did my mum. she was horrible towards my mum when she started going out & meeting ppl (mum & dad divorced when i was a baby. mum was single till i was 14) basically she's always been really horrible about ppl who hav'nt done things 'propper' well! she lied about her name & age at her first wedding. so did hubby. was 4 mnths pg @ that wedding. & he was already married. 3rd marriage she was 4 mnths pg with 3rd child & gave him up for adoption. 1st & 3rd husbands were both about 25/30 yrs older than her & she was only 19 @ 1st!!! eldest son was brought up in children's home. my mum is 4th child from 3rd marriage. this 'woman' lives a stones throw away from my mum & could give us a lot of info (tho i doubt she would help) i really do not have any loving feelings towards her at all. am i being stupid/stubborn/pig headed by not going over & questioning her??? she was asked last week how old she was @ that 1st wedding & she still lied. we have the cert!!! why? why? why?