Genealogy Chat

Please forgive the following piece of Riesling-induced navel gazing (see below)...

I started researching my adoptive family tree 3 years ago. I had just told my parents that I had traced my birth parents, and despite my desperate explanations and demonstrations of love and loyalty, they were devastated. I thought that if I started researching the family tree , it would prove to them that I did indeed see their family as my family. I have no idea if it helped, but now I enjoy a much closer relationship with my Mum than I have for years, although things were very rocky for a very long time. We lost my Dad 2 years ago. My birth mother is also interested in genealogy and has traced her tree back a long way, as has my birth father's sister. They have both shared their info with me freely. So I have both birth and adoptive family trees going back to the 17th and 18th centuries on all four lines. Great. I also started on hubby's tree a while ago, and have made similar progress with his side, particularly his Dad's, where I have been in touch with several unconnected distant cousins, with whom I have shared info. This is where the problem lies however. My hubby is the product of an extra-marital fling between his Mum and a neighbour, which resulted in the end of her first marriage. He was adopted by his Mum's second husband at their marriage when he was 7. He calls this man Dad and loves him unconditionally, as do I. Recently, I was contacted by a distant cousin of his Dad's who gave me some new info. Exctedly, I told hubby, but he could not understand why I was so excited. He cannot see that his Dad's ancestors are anything to do with him, as he was adopted. He has no desire however to trace his birth dad despite remembering playing with a girl who it turns out was his half sister. He also said he could not understand why I am tracing my family history, because as an adoptee they may be my family but they are not my history. I do know what he means, but despite having access to my birth family tree, I feel no connection to it. I do not legally and emotionally belong to them, but I do not genetically belong to my parents' family trees. So why do I spend a fortune in time and money pursuing this hobby? Liz x

YES YES YES YES YES!! sorry off to bed now, will look you up in the morning!!

I think it is definitely valid for you. I understand your husband, because he is erm, a man - men dont have the emotional ties that women feel. My own adopted son has said he has no interest whatsoever in tracing his birth family - I love him more than life itself but I offered to help him in case he felt there was something 'missing'. He was horrified when I offered 'Why on earth would I want to know - you are my family'. It was a totally genuine response, not done to save my feelings, as he knows I am completely secure in his love for me. Its a man thing, they live the life they have, dont tend to look back as much as women do. (As my hubby is always telling me - women 'feel' too much, men just 'think' about the moment) But if you needed to know it for your own peace of mind, then of course its valid.

I do it too, although I don't really know why. I suppose it is a genuine interest in the events and experiences that shaped our adoptive parents and therefore influenced us. I was very excited recently to find out a bit about where my adoptive father's father had been in WW1. Not only am I not blood related to this grandfather, but I never even met him as he died before I was adopted. Both sides of my birth family have been doing Trees, so I have also got given these. They have put me and my children in their Trees which is really nice. Anyway, why shouldn't we be interested in our adoptive parents' trees, we avidly watch 'Who do you think you are', and we are not related to the celebs. on the programme. I think genealogy is a strong addiction, or a strange affliction, whatever, its facinating.

Heather, You are probably right, it is a man thing. Coupled with the fact that he was adopted aged 7. I was 6 weeks, so I've never known anything else. Eileen, Thank you for your reassurance that I am not on my own in not knowing why I do this hobby. It is, however, one thing being 'interested' in someone else's tree. It is another feeling as if you belong in it. I don't feel as if I belong in either. Liz x

Ive been trying to trace mine at the moment, which maybe a little ambitious as I have yet to get my original pre-adoption records, but luckily in a way someone has already put me on here under my birth name. I dont think Im anywhere near ready to even think about looking into contact with my birth family at the moment but I do and always have had a burning desire to know where I've come from. I lost my adoptive mum who was fantastic and loving and I think very brave in the ways she dealt with and talked to me about my adoption and birth family. She had saved all the items I had 'arrived' and carefully watched over them as I grew up, making sure I didnt use certain blankets or shawls to wrap the cat in to baby it, sent my BM some pictures when I was still a baby and kept a Christmas card she sent me and my new family. When I was 16 she unfortunately and very suddenly died, which left a huge hole in my life and always will, whether or not I find or make contact with my BM, she will always be my mum. When I had my own daughter at 20 it relit my desire to find out where I came from. Especially as my poor child looked so much like me (bless her and still does) and I will always remember reading in my notes, that my BM had commented that I looked so much like my older 1/2 B.Bro when I was born/first couple of weeks of my life. At the moment Im happy in looking at my family tree, which so far Ive got back to 1870's so far on my maternal line, and thinking WOW, as sad as that may sound. I guess Im of the opinion that both nurture and nature have a big part in the make up of who we all are. Unfortunately, if we're adopted, part of that is lost, sometimes forever. R

My hubby is in touch with his birth mother and half brothers and has grown close to them, his parents who brought him up were over the moon that he found his brith mother and welcomed her with open arms and it is great. When I started doing the tree I began his side with his birth mothers details and she gave me loads of info to get me going, but when he found out he hit the roof and said, that even though he see his birth family weekly he doesn't class them as his history and asked me to remove them from the tree and put his parents who adopted him and their ancestors going back as far as I could get which is the early 1800's. Confused is what I'am, I see his brith family as his history as these are the generation of people whom he came from, but no matter how I tired he wouldn't budge an inch on it, and I have no right to pass judement on him as he has a right to have whichever tree he feels closest to. Ithink he feels that it is the right thing to do and that he owes it to his adpoted parents to show them that he really does belong to them Joanne

Rebecca, Thank you for your thoughts on this subject. I am sorry you lost your Mum so suddenly. What an interesting phrase - 'unfortunately, if we're adopted, part of that is lost, sometimes forever'. You are so right. Joanne, I do agree with your hubby, I feel a much stronger affinity with my adoptive family tree. They are the names I grew up hearing about, the amusing tales told me as a child about my parents' grandparents who I never met. Names and places that have been interwoven with my life over the years. Yet my hubby says they are not my history as they are not my blood. My birth family tree - yes, it is interesting, but that is not my history either, and legally I do not belong to it. So does my history , and that of my children, begin with me? Do I have no history of my own? This is what I was pondering last night, whilst working my way through a bottle of Riesling and a pile of ironing but I do not think there are any answers. Liz

Well, it's the old nature or nurture arguement, isn't it? Are we simply a product of our genes, or does the way in which we are brought up and the role models around us have any effect on the people we turn into? Obviously, genes play a part. They are almost totally responsible for what we look like, and for some of our 'gifts' eg musical, ability to draw, etc. Also, as we are increasingly aware, some medical conditions are inherited. But what we do with these gifts, or disabilities, is to a great extent down to nurture. So the people who bring us up, genetically related or not, have a huge effect on us. And they in turn are in part the product of the people who brought them up. Oh yes, I think that adoptive families are just as valid as genetic families. And aren't those of us who have an 'extra' family line to follow because of an adoption, lucky. Tina

Although i understand what Heather is saying,it doesn't apply in all cases. Glen (an adopted male)

A very interesting point Liz (x). For what it's worth I think you were right in what you said about being brought up with stories/memories of people and places - that is your history. The lady who I knew as my grandmother died when I was around 5 years old. She was actually my Grandfather's second wife, his first wife being my mum's mum. I have however researched this lady's family line even though we have no genetic link. I have to say that when I got my natural grandmothers death certificate I felt really emotional - she died in her late 30s with 3 young children. It was probably so emotional because with mums dementia she now speaks often of her chilhood and the memories of her mother who died when she was 8 years old. My mum is her last surviving child so when my mum dies any memory of this woman will die, so I feel almost a responsibility to keep the memory of her alive (sorry if that sounds silly!) I know that this is a very simplistic way of looking at it but with genealogy we are all assuming that everybody is honest and faithful and tells the truth - as the saying goes, 'It's a wise man who knows his own father' ;-)

Hi Tina, Thank you for your input. We are all the product of our life experiences as well as our genetics, there is no doubt about that. It just struck me last night that my family history begins and ends with me, from a purely genealogical perspective, and it suddenly made me feel very alone. Difficult to explain in the cold light of day. Hi Glen, Yes, there are exceptions to every rule (and thank goodness for that). Both my adoptive brothers have sought out their birth mothers. I think my hubby has a very protective wall built up around him because of his early life, and being blamed (subconsciously) for the break up of his mother's marriage and being separated from his older brother and sister. I have read your progress with your search with interest and sympathy, and sincerely hope your latest lead works out for you. Liz

My hubby who is not adopted or anything like that is not at all interested in tracing his family tree but is completely supportive in my efforts to do this hobby. My Dad although not formally adopted was brought up by his step-father from the age of seven when his real father died. My Dad has no interest whatsoever in his mother's family tree or his father's family tree reaearch that I have done. But mention his step-father's family and he couldn't be more helpful or interested. He absolutely adored his step-father. He had a difficult relationship with his mother and can hardly remember his father. I think he just feels more attached to Tom and his family as they welcomed him with open arms.

Hi Ginny, I hope you are feeling better. It is a very good point you make about fatherhood - even if the father is named on a birth certificate, we only have the mother's word that it is correct, and that is true for everyone. Hi Pippa, A lot of men are uninterested in genealogy. There does seem to be a predominantly female presence on these boards. It is good that your Dad had such a close relationship with his step-dad. He obviously meant a lot to him. Liz

Yes Glen, I shouldnt generalise. I guess it also depends on your life with your adoptive family. and personal circumstances. My husband (not an adoptee) has no interest whatsoever in his family history. He tells me, ' just let me know if there is a pirate or inventor, otherwise dont bother' . And as it has been said many a time on here - how do any of us know if we are truly following our 'blood lines'? They say, what 1 in 10 children, are not actually the blood child of the person they know as their father. I remember some years ago, my adopted son bought my husband a big mug for Fathers Day. On it were the words 'Anyone can be a father, only someone like you can be a Dad' - says it all I guess.

Sorry , went off to bed when you posted , said i'd look back in. I too think it is a Male/femail thing.men generally are less curious about adoptive roots. I have traced my family - my brother couldn't give a fig - 40 odd, doesn't know his birth name, nor does he want to. I guess your husbands father went off, and there may be some bitterness in him , about where he went and went on to do, without your husband. jess x

Hi Jess, Hubby's natural father didn't exactly 'go off'. His Mum and her first husband struggled to keep their marriage together for 5 years, but eventually gave up - apparently hubby was the image of the neighbour, who still lived there. His Mum took him, aged 5, to live in a dingy flat, leaving his brother and sister with their Dad in the family home. I think that is where the bitterness lies, although he feels nothing but love and support for his Mum, who did what she thought was best. He honestly doesn't give a fig about the neighbour. Liz

I have just discovered - using DNA technology - that the chap named on my birth certificate is NOT my birth father. I was brought up by neither of these fathers, but by a 3rd man, who sadly died when I was 6yrs old. He left my mother, me, and three younger siblings - (plus two children and a wife, elsewhere, frrom an earlier marriage). I have done very little research on my BC fathers tree, recording just his name and the names of my maternal half siblings. I met him only once, maybe twice, that I can remember, when I was about 14. - I am now in my 60's. However,I am doing and will continue to do a great deal of research into the genealogy of the man who died when I was six - he was also the father of 3 further half siblings, and although he is not my father I remember him as the man who fulfilled that role for all too brief a time. As for my birth father - I know very little about him. Hearsay says that he knew about me, but his affair with my mother was not terminal to his marriage, and he remained with his wife and daughter. He died about 14 years ago. My research into his genealogy is merely curiosity, and thus interesting, but the names I find will have no memories for me - I never knew him or his siblings or parents/grandparents. I will talk to his other daughter to see if she minds about me researching him, or perhaps she would rather I didn't - in which case I shall stop - in real terms the man is her father, and mine in name only. My 'adoptive' father is the one I think of as my dad, although I have known 'for ever' that he is not my genetic father. Until very recently I did not know who that was! Funny old world! Rosi

Hi Rosi, Thank you for providing your perspective on this subject. I hope I have not offended you - I must admit it did cross my mind that my posting this thread, on this particular forum, ran the risk of members of all my different family lines looking in - and 2 of you have responded already. It is indeed a funny old world! Liz x