Genealogy Chat

Vanessa,,I understand completley as I was made to give up my son for adoption in the early 1970's. The way that parents treated me during this frightening and trautmatic time for a 16 year old .has left lasting scars for me, I have actually met my son and sadly things did not go well, But thats another story, I have great empathy for you and of course , for all you lovely people who were adopted. love and hugs Claire

Thank you for adding those surgestions. They are of the up most importance when all the questions come flying out, as they will. I have a book specially for her and i hope to add the final chapter when we finally meet. Thanks again. Vanessa

To change for this thread only reason in post. I just wanna say to all woman thinking of giving your baby up for adoption....read these threads that are available. 1.. I hope it gives peace of mind that most of these babies go to the best homes and have the best life. But in saying that remember maybe one day they might look you up. 2 .. Write down your memories from the days ,weeks and months prior to your decision and keep it for your child. So that if they decide to contact you, you will have all that information that we Adoptees need to hear. I know you might think that they shouldnt or wouldnt wont to hear all those horrible details but they do. I write this from my personal experience and hope by writing this it helps someone ,not hurts. And thank you its nice to hear the other side.

May i say a big THANK YOU to everyone who has added their messages,thoughts and advice to my Thread. I am more than greatful by the responses and i will take on alot of your advice. Also a big THANK YOU to all that sent me PMs. I more than welcome all your thoughts and support. I hope that one day my daughter will look me up and has had, and still has a loving and caring family. I added this thread to put across my veiw and, i hope, the veiws of most mothers who have had to part with their child. I feel very heartened by some of your stories and also very humble by others. I say to all the mothers and adoptees out there hoping and searching, Please do`nt give up and may your dreams come true with the help of the many websites available. Including GR of course. My thanks again. Vanessa

to - Changed for this thread only We all need a special friend at some time of our lives, and you certainly are one for the lady you supported. I don't think anyone who reads and posts on here would judge your friend for her decision. So sad for her (and many others) that there are times when a partnership breaks down so badly that children miss out. A pat on the back for fathers who do not shirk their responsibilities, fortunately there are plenty, - and many (((hugs))) for your friend, and for you for being there for her.

Hi, I've changed my name to post this to protect the indentity of the people involved. In 1997 a friend of mine found out she was pregnant (she has been through a real messy break down of marriage) she had already got 2 kids and was really struggling to cope emotionally.The father was someone who was never going to be interested in raising a child so it would have meant her being on her own with no family support either. She told me she was going to have the baby adopted and please not to judge her, Well who am I to judge when I have never been in that situation? she managed to hide the fact that she was pregnant and if anyone asked we made up excuses about her eating too much comfort food. I was with her when the baby was born, a little scrap at 5lbs. I have to be honest I was an emotional wreck and it broke my heart when the baby was taken away almost immediately after he was born. they asked her what she wanted to call him and she chose her fathers name. To this day I don't know how she found the strength to leave him at the hospital when I picked her up the next day.She was one very brave lady to make that choice. We know the baby went to a very nice family who already had one adopted son and that they have the financial backing to give him a very good life. My friend would never have coped on her on with the baby, and because we lived in such a small town I don't think she would ever have been able to avoid the gossipers. I think about the baby a lot and hope he is happy and healthy and that he has wonderful parents to love and cherish him. Thanks for reading this, I've carried this secret for the last 9 years and it was nice to be able to share it with others who understand

A good thread Vanessa - Many of us adoptees on here wish there was a separate board for us to keep it all tidy as it were, and save time hunting. Don't forget the thread about Adoptees who can be open, will also be of use to birth mums, and dads. It is for us all to post dates and christian names, and possibly an area, which will only be recognised by a birth mum, or an adoptee. No surnames as there will be people still living who could be upset. I will put my search details on here, because although I found my dear - now dec'd - birth mum, my full sister may be searching. If you were born Jennifer Ann, on 22nd Sept. 1945 your full sister can give you any info. you would like to have about our parents. Eileen

nudge to save some info on here. just found my partners b/f he was adopted, b/f does not want to know , he is now 78, two of his children have accepted partner and doing there best to convince father to meet, but at least we found him, know he is well and have pictures thanks to his kids.

Hi Clare, Sorry I had not realised on the previous threads it was you, how are things going with your mother ? When you say about Southport helping, what they are actually doing is a search on the NI number to see if it is still in use, I doubt if you say it is to do with adoption they would help, maybe they would tell you if it is being used still, but no more, its the same info Traceline use, but non of the main organisations will get involved in adoption cases. The only problem is if someone asks and they are told that its no longer in use the may assume the worse, but it could be the adoptive family have emigrated with the child, or the BM may have gone to live abroad etc. Vanessa, Thanks for your input, your very welcome on any of our threads. One thing I would tell you, of the very, very many adoptees I have spoken to, none of them are bitter or hold any grudges against their BM's, most appreciatte that it was a very difficult choice for them to make, and not only their choice alone, for some it was basically forced upon them by family and circumstance, a lot of adoptees especailly from the 1960's know it was a different world back then and vitually impossible to be a single mum, but are very grateful for the sacrifice they made, in my adoptive family, 2 BM's made our parents life complete, and gave us the benefit of a wonderful set of parents and a fantastic upbringing. Whilst we where curious and like yoou have mentioned asked 'Why' we are able to Thank them for this gift, and they in turn now have peace of mind to know that we had a happy childhood, what more could any of us ask :O) If you do decide to try and trace your daughter, contact the SS that arranged the adoption, or at the very least leave a letter with her file, that way if she does view the records she will receive it, they should also be able to tell you also if she has been in contact with them. Do not feel bad I am sure she feels the way that most of us do, but I hope for your sake that one day she makes contact and you have peace of mind. Till then Take Care Sheila

Hi Vanessa, Thank-you for putting your view across. I am a adoptee and always wonder what birth mothers go through, but unfortnatly not to many like to put it into words. I have contacted my birth mother and she was pleased to hear from me and know that I am well, I think that will be as far as it goes, which is fine with me. I thank her for the choice she made to have me adopted, as I would not have had the charmed life that I have had nor become the person I am today. Melisa

When I spoke to Debbie she did ask for as much info on names as I could give her, but try with the birth name you have and the date of birth and see what she says. The Adoption Contact Register is a good suggestion, as she may already have indicated a willingness to communicate on the register. You need to pay a small fee to go on the register. You can probably find details on the internet, if you can't come back to me as I was given a form by our Post-Adoption Social Worker and it will have contact details on it. Good luck! Claire

Vanessa thank you for posting your thread. being an adoptee myself i hope to one day be able to find my natural mum and if i do i hope she is welcoming and willing for me to be in her life. i hope your daughter gets in touch with you soon. Sandraxx

Thank you Claire for that info. I will follow it up. But do`nt they change the childs name after adoption? I will ask in her name that i gave her. You never know. I will let you know what happens. Thankyou again. Vanessa

Hi Glen. Thank you for your response to my thread. I am glad you feel this way about your parents because that is who they are. I felt the need to let every adoptee know that no matter what, the people who cared for you and looked out for your well being are your parents. I would hope that my daughter had and still has the best of love and oppertunity to this day. I hope every person who has adopted a child understands that at some time this child will want to know where they came from. All i ask is that they respond with the support and understanding to get their child through. I hope that one day my daughter will find me and learn to understand why i had to do what i did. That is the root of it all.(WHY?). All the best Glen Vanessa

Dear Vanessa, I was given the following information by our Post-Adoption Social Worker. She tolds us if we rang a Mrs Debbie Woods at Southport, in the ONS, that she would be able to tell us if a person was still registered with a GP in England and Wales. She would need us to supply the name and a date of birth and Mrs Woods would be able to confirm if the person is still registered with the NHS. She can indicate when a person ceased to be regsitered and I was even given which register office that the death of a lady I was following up was registered in, which told me where she had been probably living nearby. She will not be able to issue individual's private addresses. I don't think this information is commonly known. Mrs Woods telephone number is 0151 471 4236. All you need to give is the birth name and date of birth, you don't have to tell her why. It might be best not to unless she asks. Obviously, I really hope that she does not have information for you that you don't want to hear, but my sister is not registered with the NHS any more, she emigrated several years ago and is happily living abroad. If you are still wondering what has happened to her, this may help you find out what area she is in? You can even ask, if she is still registered which health authority area is she registered in? You don't know if she'll tell you if you don't ask! When I rang Mrs Woods, she asked me to write or email to request the information and supply my name and address. I think it took less than 24 hours or so to hear back from her. Good luck on your quest. Don't forget to ask people on GR for help as there are some fanstastic people out there that got me onto the right search for my mum's birth mother. All the best Claire

Thank you Rebecca. I have looked at the veiws of the adoptee`s and felt that maybe, and i am only talking about myself, The veiws of some Mothers would help you all along the way, i am hoping that some, if not all, of you will find some sort of result at the end of your searches. I hope you do well in your search. Vanessa

Hi Vanessa I would just like to say thanks for the thread,the different viewpoint is one not seen very often. I would also echo hat Jess said earlier,my 'story' is of my b/m having an affair,and the result being my adoption.My birth mothers' husband obviously loved her dearly as they remained together for another 17 years after my birth,only parted by his death. I think it it fair to say i didn't have the ideal of a fairytale reunion with the surviving birth family,(my b/m died in 1990),and so it proved to be,but if i could have met her husband then i would have been very thankful to him,he gave me the chance,an oppurtunity,and one which i was able to take with a fantastic couple who i respect as well as love. If i do allow myself a rose tinted moment then it is the thoughts about him,from what i have been able to learn both he and my birth mother benefited from my adoption as well as myself,i suppose if you could pick an 'ideal' ending,then we came pretty close between us. Glen

Hi Vanessa Thank you for putting your side to the story accross. I know everyones stories are differentm but as an adopted person it made a nice change to read a message from a birth mother. I wish you every luck in finding your child Rebecca :)

nudge. Any adoption mothers plese feel free to pass comment. Iam avalible for PM messages I understand, i have been There. No message passed until passed by me. All the best Vanessa

I am going to push this up incase any birth mother`s wish to add their veiws. Please add to this link, Change your name,anything, your point of veiw is valuble. Regards Vanessa