Genealogy Chat

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I only have in my tree people to whom I can claim some genetic connection, or their spouses, or in certain circumstances the ancestors of step-parents (where I know the child was adopted young and regarded the step-parent as if they were the biological parent – on the basis that the upbringing of the step-parent would have influenced the way they brought up their step-child, and anyway, how many biological fathers can we really be certain of!). Anyway, that is the people that I regard as belonging in my tree. These days, I never open my GR tree to anyone. Once I have established a connection of which I am reasonably confident, I send a report from my off-line tree, only including those people who would fit in the recipient’s tree if they built it on the same basis as I build mine. Scenario: I am contacted by someone quoting the name of my 2nd cousin twice removed. She also gives parents names – they match. I reply saying yes, explaining my relationship, and asking how my 2nd cousin twice removed fits into her tree. The answer comes back that my 2nd cousin etc is the daughter of the son of a woman who was the sister of a man who married my contact’s g-g aunt. (The son in question married the grand-daughter of the sister of my g-g grandfather). I reply giving the maiden name of this lady and the names of her parents. I explain I know nothing about any further descendants of my 2nd cousin twice removed. She responds with the name of the man she married, and asks to see my tree. Now, by my personal set of rules, there is nothing in my tree to show her, because no-one that we have been talking about is actually genetically related to her, nor married to someone genetically related to her. I reply saying regretfully I cannot help her with the line she is interested in. I now feel a bit of a heel, as it would appear that this lady’s definition of what fits into her tree is considerably wider than mine. Am I being selfish and unreasonable? Tina

Tina, You are not being unreasonable at all, simply explain she has nothing to gain by looking at your tree. one person I allowed access to my tree copied everything and I mean everything including people who had nothing to do with him.....it irritated me somewhat, but I suppose it is up to him if he wants such tenuous links. I am looking for direct links as i am sure you are too.....stick to your guns.. Fuzzy x

She sounds like a name collector, so I'd say, you're not being mean if that's how you feel it's your research. I'm not quite a strict as you, I had to put the father of my grandmother's first husband on my tree, 'cos I have his picture with a message to her on the back, and I wanted it to 'belong' somewhere, also her husband only lived 11 months after they were married which stupidly makes him special (and I have a photo of him as well - so she kept them all her life). Mavis

I dont think your being unreasonable, It takes me quite a while to show my GR tree, but thats only after Ive asked about million questions and make sure I get something back out of it. I must say Ive been quite lucky as those people who have contacted me or Ive contacted them have been really genuine and we have both added to each others trees. But the real information I keep is on my FTM and its loaded with info, and my GR tree is not 100% up to date. Just say im sorry but no there isnt much info there. Best wishes Yvonne x

Hi Tina I don't think you are being unreasonable. Some people like their tree to be like a Pine tree,straight up and down, and quite slim,others prefer a low growing widespread conifer,some want to mutate the two into some sprawling knotty weed. Stick to what you are happy with,once you change,where does it end?Just this contact?The first three to prove a link?The first dozen? Glen

Hi Tina, Don't waste another second feeling bad. Everyone has their own rules. Your family tree is your own private property and I expect took a lot of hard work and money to build. Better that you have a fleeting unpleasant feeling (that you will get over) than to open your tree and possibly end up feeling disrespected or even abused because your tree has been broadcast to all and sundry. I am sure that you give information and advice freely where ever you can, but your tree is private to you - you don't owe anyone a thing. Tgx

Thank you all. I feel a bit better now. I did wonder about a name collector - but I can't remember how to see how many names are in her own tree when it is not someone posting to a Board, but a contact. She asked to see my tree, but did not open her own. That always makes me a little suspicious I am afraid. Glen - I have this mental picture of you wandering at night though a shadowy forest of pine trees, some tall and thin, some short and fat, with knot-weed grabbing at your ankles, while the twinkling stars above reflect off your tinsel. I think the heat may be getting to me. Tina

You are not being selfish nor unreasonable... :-) (BounceKat)

A sweeping statement coming up,and sure to raise an eyebrow or two,so look away if you are squeamish. I have found there are just two categories of 'researchers',(you will see why researchers is in inverted comma's) Those who like lots of names but will lack real information except maybe dates,and those who are really family historians.The people who like to know occupations,addresses,perhaps have delved for the person behind the name far more than simple census returns. To find out when Uncle Johnny was born is within the grasp of anyone with internet access and £7,to find he used to steal apples from Farmer Jones and got caught makes him someone real. Glen

HI Tina:-) I do not think you are being selfish at all. I would find it hard though finding the right words to say no to someone which is one reason why I no longer have my tree on here. A case of once bitten, twice shy. I have my own tree here at home and a sort of back up on tribal pages. I have had a real problem with people copying, so I only had my siblings and parents down as initials and couldn't believe it when that was copied too lol. You are right to be cautious Wilf

hi all i never put extra details on my tree only birth death and location, all my in depth details are on my FTM and i think thats how it should be. it takes a lot of time and effort to do it. sylvia

All I can say is that my tree must be dead boring as no one wants to copy it, or pinch any of it, or what ever else they do with it so I think I must be doing something wrong. On thinking of it, I haven't had many contacts either, so I'm going to watch the telly. Lynda

Hi Tina, I create my tree in the same way that you do, the relation has to have a genetic link to me (and sometimes possibly the spouces parents if i know them). So far your senario hasn't happened to me, but i would be reluctant to give someone my information when i won't be getting anything back. I too only have my tree on here as a brief overview, and apart from my parents and grandparents everyone else is dead (to put it bluntly) even if i know of living children etc. Don't be shy to say no. this is a sharing environment and if you don't have anything to share then what is the point of talking to this person? (i'm prehaps a bit too blunt for my own good sometimes - but you know what i mean) R

Lynda, Lynda, Don't be despondent - I REALLY want to steal your tree - honest I do!!! Please give me access as I have a 2nd cousin twice removed called Lynda so we MUST be related. !!!!!!!!!!! Seriously though, Don't feel you are not popular - It goes in cycles. Unfortunately, when we have not had a lot of responses when we first start, it is all too easy to get over excited and fall into the trap when someone first shows us a connection. I, like most people, have now learned that it is not a good idea to open up your tree. - I have all the info on my home programme and will gladly send any amount of information via a report from there. I LOVE to share, even if I don't get anything back, but if no-one has tried to 'grab you' yet, don't dispair, they will one day. Dea Xxx

I have a name collector in my hot matches they have over 9000 names a thousand of which appeared in the last couple of months adding some of my rellies to her collection why would you want to just collect names it doesnt mean anything!

Hi Glen Oh, I do so know what you mean about finding out about the people behind the names and dates. I found a 1st cousin 4 times removed (Mary) who, in 1863, married her own 1st cousin. They lived with her father, who was a widower. One day she broke into the local village shop and stole a few pence and some sugar. The local policeman visited her home and searched, finding the stolen items hidden under her mattress. When her father remonstrated with her, she turned on him and said, 'It's your fault, you have driven my husband out of the house. I shall be better off in prison.' From which, reading between the lines, I take it that husband and father did not get on well, and husband was disappearing down to the pub every evening and drinking away what he earned, so poor Mary was struggling to make ends meet. (She got 6 weeks hard labour). All this information was obtained from the quarter sessions record, which included the statement of the policeman and of the shopkeeper. Poor Mary. She had an illegitimate son before she married (although I suspect he was the son of the cousin she married). Then a daughter (after the prison episode), then her husband died and a couple of years later she remarried. (Probably to get away from Dad). I do hope her second marriage was a happy one. I have a real soft spot for Mary! So much more satisfying that just names and dates. So much more scope for imagination! Tina

Having been reminded how to look up membership numbers (thanks Glen), I have checked out the lady who contacted me and she has over 20,000 names in her tree. Tina

The 20,000+ names mentioned makes me feel a little less guilty about my earlier post re two types of researcher. If someone with that many names can say they have some snippets like those of poor Mary (from the last post by Tina) for 1% of the names they have they are either fibbing or 300 years old!! Glen

Tina What I say is Sorry, but I never open my tree to anyone due to unfortunate experience. However, if we prove to have a connection, I am happy to share my information with you by email. They can do one of two things then! OC