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How do I say “No” politely – or am I being unreaso

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Jeanie

Jeanie Report 29 Jul 2006 13:49

I have my tree on rootsweb which means it is also on ancestry. I also have it ,open to anyone, on tribal pages. The reason? When I first started FH I was contacted by a lady who had her tree on rootsweb and she shared her family with me. All genetically connected. I also wish to share my family with anyone who is interested. Yesterday, I received a note from rootsweb to say I had a contact. It is a lady who is connected via my gt. grandmothers eldest sister. I would not have made this connection if not for the tree on rootsweb. I know there are nutters out there who copy all names for no reason but most people are just carrying out family research. I cannot pretend that all the names on my tree have a genetic link. When I first started, if someone gave me a linked tree I would add the names. Now, I only add the bolod ties and their spouse. If someone has 20,000 names on there tree and can prove they are connected then good luck to them. I struggle to keep track of my 800 + which includes my husbands family and may prune it a bit but my thoughts are on the side of generosity.

Glen In Tinsel Knickers

Glen In Tinsel Knickers Report 29 Jul 2006 12:30

Hi Ann No you aren't doing anything wrong,building a tree is a very personal thing. Some people will put branches in a tree which are so distant from the main line it is difficult to see why they do it. If i have a marriage into my family i will add the siblings and parents of the spouse,and possibly the marriages of the siblings,but i wouldn't go onto the family groups of the siblings partners,unless they took a child in for any reason,or prove to be very interesting or unusual. Glen

merseybabe

merseybabe Report 29 Jul 2006 12:14

Am i diong my tree wrong,i put my direct ancestors on,also their children,their partners ect and their family's. Ann

The Ego

The Ego Report 29 Jul 2006 09:05

Tina-thats a name collector bigtime-dont do it-I always feel like my tree is my treeas they are all blood and ancestors,or close to,but that person seems to want everyone that turned up for the wedding reception.

Ivesolvedit

Ivesolvedit Report 29 Jul 2006 08:53

Definitely not unreasonable. People have dumped so much rubbish on GR through not doing proper research. I contacted someone who had a name connection, the name being quite rare. I hold a lot of information on the name that had been added but it was not contained within my tree as I cannot still connect. This person allowed me access their tree and I find it contains 22,000+ names. Now I ask you is that realistic. I sent a report to this person via e mail showing the way things ought to be done, not heard a thing since......which is probably good. Also had people adding names then when you contact them they say it is not their relative! Noted they had lifted information from my tree so immediately removed access.

Joy

Joy Report 28 Jul 2006 23:07

** sighs wistfully with Tina .... **

Glen In Tinsel Knickers

Glen In Tinsel Knickers Report 28 Jul 2006 23:05

As ever OC although i jest,you know i have a serious point. You are one of the few who will research an individual/family/group and look for reasons NOT to claim they are yours,where as too many people will assume that every Smith in the county is a rellie. Only when you have proof positive that there is a connection from several sources will you satisfy yourself about an addition to your tree. I do genuinely think that my research will only get better because i have seen some of your methods quoted in threads,and they have inspired me to look beyond the name just because it fits. Glen

TinaTheCheshirePussyCat

TinaTheCheshirePussyCat Report 28 Jul 2006 22:50

Oh, Maid Marion, Glen would have loved Grottingham. Right up his street (or should that be track?). Such a shame about Grottingham............(Sighs wistfully).

TinaTheCheshirePussyCat

TinaTheCheshirePussyCat Report 28 Jul 2006 22:48

Hi OC No, I never open my GR tree now to anyone. If I agree there is a connection I say, 'Here is my email address, send me yours and I will send you a report from my off-line tree which contains much more information that the one I keep on GR'. My problem in this case was that this lady had given me a bit of information about my relative (name of her husband) which I did not previously know (assuming of course that it is correct - I have not yet checked). I in return was offering nothing because actually, none of the people involved were her relatives even though she had them in her tree. I felt a bit bad, effectively saying, 'Well, thanks for the info but I am not sending you any since you do not meet my exacting standards'. I suppose I should have replied by asking who she was interested in. Then again, that might just have got me further and further into the sticky stuff. When in a hole, stop digging and all that. Since I have discovered the number of names in her tree, I don't feel so bad. Tina

Joy

Joy Report 28 Jul 2006 22:47

That's funny, Tina .......... thought I saw Glen then in Grotttingham Forest .... :-)

An Olde Crone

An Olde Crone Report 28 Jul 2006 22:45

Glen I certainly havent got 20,000 names in my tree, LOL! I have 382 solid-gold utterly proven mine. I also have a database of nearly 10,000 names which I have collected -FROM PRIMARY SOURCES - myself (not lifted from other people's trees). These are all references to my Holdens - who knows, one day maybe I can weave them in. Until then, they arent mine! OC

Glen In Tinsel Knickers

Glen In Tinsel Knickers Report 28 Jul 2006 22:41

Oh boy,i forgot the one exception to the rule,OC! OC can tell you who chopped the tree,that made the cabinet,that sold at the auction that went in the house,that got cleared after the owner died,that contained the letter written by the wife of the cabinet maker. I doff my hat to OC again,probably the true exception to the rule. Glen

An Olde Crone

An Olde Crone Report 28 Jul 2006 22:27

Tina What I say is Sorry, but I never open my tree to anyone due to unfortunate experience. However, if we prove to have a connection, I am happy to share my information with you by email. They can do one of two things then! OC

Glen In Tinsel Knickers

Glen In Tinsel Knickers Report 28 Jul 2006 22:04

The 20,000+ names mentioned makes me feel a little less guilty about my earlier post re two types of researcher. If someone with that many names can say they have some snippets like those of poor Mary (from the last post by Tina) for 1% of the names they have they are either fibbing or 300 years old!! Glen

TinaTheCheshirePussyCat

TinaTheCheshirePussyCat Report 28 Jul 2006 21:41

Having been reminded how to look up membership numbers (thanks Glen), I have checked out the lady who contacted me and she has over 20,000 names in her tree. Tina

TinaTheCheshirePussyCat

TinaTheCheshirePussyCat Report 28 Jul 2006 21:30

Hi Glen Oh, I do so know what you mean about finding out about the people behind the names and dates. I found a 1st cousin 4 times removed (Mary) who, in 1863, married her own 1st cousin. They lived with her father, who was a widower. One day she broke into the local village shop and stole a few pence and some sugar. The local policeman visited her home and searched, finding the stolen items hidden under her mattress. When her father remonstrated with her, she turned on him and said, 'It's your fault, you have driven my husband out of the house. I shall be better off in prison.' From which, reading between the lines, I take it that husband and father did not get on well, and husband was disappearing down to the pub every evening and drinking away what he earned, so poor Mary was struggling to make ends meet. (She got 6 weeks hard labour). All this information was obtained from the quarter sessions record, which included the statement of the policeman and of the shopkeeper. Poor Mary. She had an illegitimate son before she married (although I suspect he was the son of the cousin she married). Then a daughter (after the prison episode), then her husband died and a couple of years later she remarried. (Probably to get away from Dad). I do hope her second marriage was a happy one. I have a real soft spot for Mary! So much more satisfying that just names and dates. So much more scope for imagination! Tina

Mary

Mary Report 28 Jul 2006 21:21

I have a name collector in my hot matches they have over 9000 names a thousand of which appeared in the last couple of months adding some of my rellies to her collection why would you want to just collect names it doesnt mean anything!

Dea

Dea Report 28 Jul 2006 20:33

Lynda, Lynda, Don't be despondent - I REALLY want to steal your tree - honest I do!!! Please give me access as I have a 2nd cousin twice removed called Lynda so we MUST be related. !!!!!!!!!!! Seriously though, Don't feel you are not popular - It goes in cycles. Unfortunately, when we have not had a lot of responses when we first start, it is all too easy to get over excited and fall into the trap when someone first shows us a connection. I, like most people, have now learned that it is not a good idea to open up your tree. - I have all the info on my home programme and will gladly send any amount of information via a report from there. I LOVE to share, even if I don't get anything back, but if no-one has tried to 'grab you' yet, don't dispair, they will one day. Dea Xxx

Rachel

Rachel Report 28 Jul 2006 20:32

Hi Tina, I create my tree in the same way that you do, the relation has to have a genetic link to me (and sometimes possibly the spouces parents if i know them). So far your senario hasn't happened to me, but i would be reluctant to give someone my information when i won't be getting anything back. I too only have my tree on here as a brief overview, and apart from my parents and grandparents everyone else is dead (to put it bluntly) even if i know of living children etc. Don't be shy to say no. this is a sharing environment and if you don't have anything to share then what is the point of talking to this person? (i'm prehaps a bit too blunt for my own good sometimes - but you know what i mean) R

Lynda

Lynda Report 28 Jul 2006 20:26

All I can say is that my tree must be dead boring as no one wants to copy it, or pinch any of it, or what ever else they do with it so I think I must be doing something wrong. On thinking of it, I haven't had many contacts either, so I'm going to watch the telly. Lynda