Genealogy Chat

Had another e-mail with some more names and 'who are the parents and siblings of xxxxxx,how many children did they have and when,who are the parents of yyyy,siblings and partner/children please' Sent a reply with the three bmd refs to get the certs for the other lot,had an instant reply asking why won't i order them!!!! Sent a reply with the gro url and guide to order certs,but she won't have it. Sent a final reply,'sorry you NEED these to go any further,the cost is £21 with the numbers quoted,then you will need another 2 marriage certs after i have spent hours looking for the numbers. Not heard a peep since. Glen

Glen That was very kind of you to do that for your friend we do enjoy it though don't we. But I would ask your friend for the money for the certificates.

Oh Bless you Glen Just tell her yu got lucky with the other branches of her tree, you dont mind doing it, but she will need to pay for the 3 certs to get the ball rolling??? Rebecca x

I think it's hard when it's a friend - but I think you have to say that you've bought the first few - she needs to get the rest for herself. (Easy to tell someone else what to do!) Christine

Well she did know that there was some expense (ie £7 per cert),and said it wasn't a problem,(maybe until i needed it is what she meant). I suppose i should have asked for cash up front,obtained credit references and a full financial breakdown before proceeding. Shame this next line are all within 3 miles of the Scottish border and seem to flick in and out of England at whim.Such a shame. Glen

I agree with everyone here, you can take friendship too far. But if you insist on purchasing certificates for other people, bagsy I the first 2 or 3, I have the GRO references :-)

I would agree with the recently expressed sentiments. I've had great fun hunting down stuff for other folks - by way of a present, say - but I don't buy their certificates (I feel that would be a bit intrusive, in a way) and I wouldn't use up more than a few credits, on ScotlandsPeople or FHS-Online or whatever, to satisfy my own curiosity. Anything I can find for free I reckon is fair game. 18 months ago, a whole lot of folks on GR were kind enough to help me put together a family tree for a church friend's 82nd birthday (she had some unusual names which made it easier). She was absolutely thrilled to bits when I gave it to her, but I'd made it clear to everyone that I was looking only for what could be found for free or for pennies. I think my friend would have been embarrassed if I'd spent real money on her... Mind you, that experience did sell Ancestry to me! In another case, I collected up all the probable info - with refs - so that they could do the applying if they wanted to to confirm (or cancel) the entries. Christine

Glen, you are too kind to people ... Hope Mrs T K will be ok. Joy

Glad to know Mrs. G (Tinsel) is doing O.K. !! Just remember, you are NOT being nasty - Think of what you have given so far! - This person will not get the pleasure she can if you do it ALL for her (as you very well know). - It is one thing giving someone a start, but they have to do domething for themselves. - If they can't be bothered (once pointed in the right direction), it just proves that you are right in not wasting your time and effort. Dea Xxx

I have stopped ranting long enough to read the replies!! Yes you are all correct,it is one thing to help but sometimes it is too easy to overplay your part.Better to share the A-Z with everyone on here than spend hours on her tree just for her benefit.Cruel to be kind and all that. Mrs G is doing ok by the way,slight complication post op but nothing too serious. And if i should start screaming for help with Townsends in the near future you know i ordered my cert after all. Thanks everyone,just thought i was being a bit nasty if i pulled the plug on this 'damsel in distress' Glen

Ooh Glen - what a predicament, no-one likes to upset their friends but at the same time you don't want to be taken for a ride either do you? What is she so afraid of by joining GR? Is there a reason she's unwilling to look for herself? Does she know you've spent money doing her research? I can understand the frustration you must feel, but can only wish you well with the choice you make in how to deal with it.

Glen If you were mending your friend's car, would she really expect YOU to pay for the parts???? You could do a bit on her OH tree ( the free bit), then tell her what you've found, but say 'I can't do any more till YOU buy the cert/buy some credits' or whatever and leave it at that. Genealogy is an expensive hobby and the sooner she finds that out the better. OC

For the sake of the GR membership cost it really does irk me. She could spend the membership and find the fellow researchers and rellies herself. Spends the time looking round the churches etc,and the graveyards right enough,but how much fun is it to have everything handed over on a plate? I have had some kind folks do some digging at Kew for me because it is a long way from my home,but 95% of my tree is my work,at least the bmd and census help from the early days on here has been verified by me at a later date. I even put off applying for my birth fathers birth cert to get one of her certs.Wish i had done my own now,and make my tree look like a tree and not an unstaked lopsided tall bush. Glen

Glen you sweetie - I know how much we all enjoy the rush and excitement of helping someone discover their roots - but, like you say, it doesn't come cheap. Now, if this person was a relative and your trees connected, I would say, any money spent on it is benefitting yourself aswell as them (I've done this for various connecting relatives)...BUT when it comes to a totally unrelated tree that you are working on, I think you are well within your rights to expect some payment for reimbursement of certs. Why not try to explain it in a tactful way that oh how you wished you could help with their other line but funds are a bit tight at the moment (lay it on a bit - but would they believe it with so much tinsel flying about?) but say that you'd be happy to do all the groundwork and ordering if they could come up with enough to cover for a few certs and online searches. You have nothing to lose. If they turn around and refuse to cough up, I'd be inclined to wonder what kind of friend they were. I certainly wouldn't like being taken for granted like that. I think you've been way too kind and generous already!

Agree with Jools and Deb an Air my thoughts exactly Gwen

Glen, I too find it MUCH easier to go back several generations on other people's tree, AND I get a lot of satisfaction from it!!!!!!!!!!!! HOWEVER, this person is taking advantage and you need to put a stop to it!! Having given her all that information, instruct her how to follow along the other line she needs and LEAVE HER TO IT !! If you have spare time, there are far more deserving people on here who would value your help, whilst trying their best to do it for themselves. Dea x Sorry if I seem harsh but what I say is very true if you step back and think about it. Dea x

Glen - friendship only goes so far. Unless you really feel very charitable, I really would be inclined to say sorry, not unless you're prepared to reimburse me for the certs. After all if they had to pay a professional researcher it would cost a bomb. On a cynical note, there are too many people today who 'WANT IT NOW' regardless of what it is, who gets it or who is trampled on in the process. A bit like big game hunting - oh yes, I've shot a lion too - it's just another trophy and doesn't really mean anything. Jools

Hi Glen, How annoying!!! I personally would not carry out anymore research on her behalf unless she is willing to pay!! That money could have been spent on your own tree!!! Deb

I know we all (or at least most of us) get a lot of pleasure in helping other people research their tree - particularly when we can find information which helps them back in time. BUT - if she is not prepared to reimburse you - at least for the money you have spent on certificates, regardless of the time you have probably devoted to the research - then I would definitely stop right here. It´s generally known as taking the **** !!!

I did some census work on the current line she wants doing,jammy or what?Grandparents with kids every year,yes they are unverified but it looks like 7 generations back to 1740's just via the census returns,add in the IGI which covers the line well and it just makes me sick. Can't even pin down my g g/f for my tree!!!!!!!!!! Glen