Genealogy Chat

Afternoon everyone :-) Thank you dee will look him up.

Have just seen this. Welcome to the site, Tara, and I wish you well. The people on your thread have given you some good advice. Take care, Joy

Good morning Tara, I hope your 'little Princess' didn't keep you awake all night with her teething. Perhaps it would be a good idea to establish whether this person has any family - perhaps you could look up on the electoral roll to see if there are any other people in the household - this might be a start - there is someone on here called Derek Corkindale who I believe could help you with this - I will nudge up his thread. PM him with the details. Dea x

Looks like it was me that was patronising - wasn't meant that way at all. when i tracked my birth father down ( he was already dead) the eldest of his next 'pack' of children decreed, that although he now knew of my existance, the very last child born to my birth father was a girl, that had grown up thinking she was daddy little princess, his ONLY girl, that they wanted no contact.Not to blow the girls illusion. situations like that do need thinking about carefully before you burst into their life. ------------------------- How much have you managed to find out about his current situation?-Because that does change what you put in the letter. Did he re-marry? is his still with his wife? in which case you need to mention that you appreciate that Mrs may not know ( although not in the initial letter. You need to really establish if he had other chilldren, how old they are now and how they may react. Aagin appreciate that the oldest son of the next marriage may think he is only son etc etc I could go on thinking of things you need to find out/work out/ establish for ever. Jess

Ok thank you Holden, I will use your advice in the future. I think i should be off to bed now, had a very long day with my little princess. Teething!

LOL Tara! No need to worry - just dont put any identifying info on here, remember that you do not have to be a member to read these boards, anyone in the world can! If, for instance, you HADNT already found Ross's father, then you could have posted a message saying something like I am looking for my partner's father who was born in (whatever year) but dont know where to start. I don't want to put his details on here as he is probably still living. 99 times out of a hundred, someone on here will say 'PM me with the details' and then the search will be done discreetly. Anyway - tomorrow is another day! If you need anymore help just say so - someone will help you, and willingly. OC

Im worried about what to say and where to type and who to talk to now.....pheww :-)

Thank you snow. Reg I have deleted the full name of ross's father in the top message. Im sure the first name isnt going to harm anyone as it could be any bernard anywhere. I hope this has satisfactory for you. As you asked me so nicely to remove it. I do also understand that members are helping us with advice and that ross has good reason and every right to search for his father also. Thank you All the best Tara

Thanks for doing that, Tara. I hope you understand why you were asked to do it. Good luck Reg

Tara With the best will in the world, none of us are mindreaders! We couldnt possibly know from your first message that you had thought all this out. Believe me, there are LOTS of people who come on these boards with the same sort of quest as you, who havent thought one minute beyond finding the person they are looking for. Everyone who has posted a reply to your thread is anxious to know that A. You are an adult (and not a 13 year old girl with a grudge) and B. You have some idea of the pitfalls you may encounter. C. You are not going to phone him at 3.30 in the morning shouting Hiya Dad, its me. You have answered those concerns, and I am sorry if you found our concerns offensive, they certainly werent meant to be, they were the responses of responsible adults, many of whom have a great deal of personal experience in the journey you are about to undertake. AS to your original question on this thread, a very carefully worded letter is probably the best approach - you simply do not know who will answer the phone if you ring. I wish Ross a successful outcome to his search. OC

Tara I'm not sure if you realise what we are trying to say to you about discretion and concern for others.............you still have Ross's father's name in your message. It is his privacy and peace of mind we are concerned with............you've said that Ross knows what you're trying to do, and we accept that. But please remove the other name from your message.............. Reg

Tara I think people are just trying to make sure you've both thought things through properly. They do want to help you both but they also have to consider both sides, which is why you were referred to this board when you originally posted on the General board - because people here have experience of this situation. I really hope things work out well for you and your fiancee. Very best wishes Snowdrops

Someone did mention how ross may feel if his father has raised another family. Its not like iv just come on here to search for him without ross's consent, he and i have talked about the situation and pros and cons time and time again and searched down different avenue's also. He wants to find his father and he understands that the probability of his father going onto raise another family of his own is more than likely.

Tara I don't think anyone was patronising you...........you asked for advice, and it was given. If you didn't happen to like the advice, that doesn't indicate anybody being patronising.........merely that you weren't perhaps hearing what you'd hoped for. GR members were trying to guide you along the path of discretion........and hoping to avoid the possibility of a living person's past being publicised without their consent or knowledge. Reg

Sorry, but I can't see anyone being patronising....we are trying to help you. Merry

Ok i see where your coming from Holden. Thank you for your support. I went away for a few hours to cook us dinner and feed and put to bed our 8mth old little girl, and read the messages and posts and thought hmmm :-) I was quite taken back by it all. I really did get a telling off and patronised. But life's to short is my motto...:-) All the best Holden Tara

Tara It is the details in your above message on this thread that we are all worried about. Generally on here, when people are posting about possibly living people and asking general advice, they use made up names (Joe Bloggs is a particular favourite of mine!). You have to tread a fine line between finding out what you want to know, yet not publishing identifying information about living people, particularly when the situation is as sensitive as this one. Not a telling-off, just guidance so that you dont inadvertently upset the one person you want to have contact with. OC

Ok iv unknowned him.

Dee shaw ross and i are aware this is a delicate situation. As you were wondering what ages we are, Ross is 25yrs and I am 28yrs.

You'll have to delete Ross as well, cant have children of a non existing parent or call him unknown unknown