Genealogy Chat

Hi Pam, If you have a NEED to do this ..........then you WILL find the strength to go ahead. I am in my 50's too + have recently found the only person in the world who could have told me about my first year of life (my Birth Family Godmother)........... I know what you mean about feeling guilty etc BUT if you don't do it will you regret it for ever? So long as you accept that there may be a chance of rejection. Just GO WITH YOUR HEART. You will know what is the right thing to do. Take care Good luck Regards Ann

Hello Gwynne, I understand 100 per cent what you are saying about destroying a family which is why I have never tried to contact them. As much as I would love to know about my past, I have always said that it is not fair to them if they know nothing about me and what right do I have to appear out of the blue as a sister they know nothing about. It could destroy a family which is something I definitely do not want to do. So many people over the years have said that I have a right to know which I feel I do but not at the risk of upsetting a family that thought so much of their father. It is something that has nagged away at me for most of my life but I am now in my 50s and I feel, quite sensible. That is why I put this thread on here just to get some independent views. I really do appreciate everyone's comments and hope that I will get to meet them at some point. Not sure how but I wont be bulldozing into their lives I can promise that much. Thanks again. Pam.

Pam, I think you need confirmation from your Mum before you go any further. Your friend could have made the wrong assumption. You could be upsetting a family for nothing. The only one who knows for sure is your Mum. Please tread carefully before risking destroying a family - and certainly leave it until after Christmas. Gwynne

Pam I hope all goes well when you make your final decision and hope that whatever you decide you find peace. Helena

Morning, Thank you again for the support and your views. It has helped a lot. Am going to give this a lot of thought over the next few days and hopefully pluck up the courage to make contact. Not sure exactly when because, as Jess said, rejection before Xmas could be pretty devastating even though I am not expecting to be welcomed with open arms if welcomed at all!!! I wish you all a very Happy Christmas and New Year and will let you know if I pluck up the courage and how it goes. Regards and so many thanks again. Pam.

hello my dad never knew his dad only his name and where he was from he saw a photo of him that his mother kept , but she never really mentioned him only to say he was love of her life, very sad, I know my dad would love to hear from siblings he has as he is an only child. You have to think about how much this means to you, if they want contact with you would it make a huge difference to you , or if they don't want contact how upset would you be. Whatever you decide to do i wish you good luck and happiness. best wishes lorraine

Are you srong enough, this side of christmas to face the rejection that might follow - maybe wait until the new year, then do it?

Pam, be brave and know we are all holding your hand. Let us know how you get on. I'm more than sure that they are going to be thrilled!!! Love Trudi xxx

I am speechless and really grateful for all replies. I have shed a tear or two reading them. There must be so many people with such very sad stories to be told. To add a bit more to my story. I was given a two photos of my father about 10 months ago from a lady who was very close to him. He gave her away on her wedding day in 1959 as her father had died many years before and my father was a close family friend. He didn't look anything like I expected him to! But don't really know what I did expect! The lady in question worked with my mum when she fell pregnant with me and I am so grateful to her for giving me a photo of him. She also visited my mum after I had been born and she saw me as a tiny baby and said I looked so much like my father. She gave me a photo of him at her wedding when he gave her away and another photo of him with her, her mother, my mum and his son at the age of about 8. I have wondered if his son remembered that photo or would have recollection of my mum being in it? My daughter and I met this lady for lunch and the lady in question said that she was sure when she met me she would be convinced he was my father but she wasn't. After chatting for about 3 hours she told me that my daughter was the image of him. It had obviously skipped a generation. Your replies have inspired me to contact them but I don't know if I am brave enough. Two of them live within 20 miles of where I live. Thank you again. Not sure what I will do but at the moment feel I could contact them with the support you have given me. Really appreciate your replies. Thanks again. Pam.

Pam, I do feel for you. But as others have said, peoples views today are very different from then. The other children may have heard snippets of conversations over the years, if so they may be curious about you but scared of contacting you! After my Dad died, we found out his father wasn't his real father (found this out at the funeral). It took me another 10 years to find out the name of his real father. I would love to know who my real grandad was and if my Dad had any other siblings. But my trail has gone cold. If it were me I would go for it and do it while I still could. Thinking of you,

Hi Pam When my Dad fell ill it came out that he had been married before and had two daughters. Sadly, he left when they were very young and never saw them again. He said their Mother would not allow him ( I don't know if this is true) he died before he could trace them. He married my Mother and had five more children and although myself and my siblings never new about his other children, my Mum said he always spoke of them to her and was very sad about the lost contact. I know my family and I would love to hear from them. How I see it is, you have nothing to lose and a lot to gain. Go on be brave!!!! Trudi xx

I did it- contacted a subsequent son. it transpired he thought he knew - at least he said he wasnt surprised, and he rang me back twice - the next christmas i sent a card,but nothing ever came back, His little sister grew up thinking she was daddys golden Girl , his only daughter so he asked that i didnt contact her - so i didnt, not a lot to be gained anyway . I know, he knew, and he is dead and buried now - he was when i contacted his son. its hard, having done it I wondered why i did it! Jess x

What do you want to do? Your mother has had her life and she has had her way all these years. NOW is your time. Do what you think is right for you and it will be right for everyone else. People have this need to know where they come from and the different genetic make-up that has formed them. Whatever you decide to do then do it with gentleness. Go carefully, feeling the way. You now know your father's name. That is something. Does your mother have know that you are trying to trace and meet up with half-siblings? If the time comes when needs to know just explain how you feel. She is losing nothing of you in the process. Good luck! M

Thank you so much for replies. Nice to hear your views. I did discuss this again with my daughter today. We have discussed a lot in the past and she and my husband have both said they will support whatever I decide to do. I suppose really I am scared of what will happen. I feel disloyal to my mum even though she hasn't told me anything. They may not believe me either. There is always that one. Such a huge part of my life missing but I have never known it either so it is a really strange feeling. I have talked about it on and off for years, wondering etc. What would I say? How would I approach them? I understand what you say about nowadays and big families etc but I was born as a result of an affair and he already had 3 sons with his wife. Don't think that they would want to hear that their father had had an affair. Well I think I feel better having written this down. It is the closest I have ever been to doing anything about my father. Perhaps I will get some dutch courage from somewhere but I doubt it. Thanks again for support and for reading this. Pam.

Hello Pam I'm in my 50s too. It sounds like the terrible dilemma adopted people have, to me. If they are older than you, it is highly likely that they know about you, families being what they are, and have been searching for you! My dad came from Ireland and died in 1977 and I knew nothing about him. By a huge stroke of luck I managed to get an address. Just last week I had a huge letter starting 'where have you been?' in capital letters. I agree with Helena, extended families are all the norm, these days. wishing you well Jen

Pam Perhaps they would like to meet you. Nowadays having other children is not viewed how it was when we were young (I'm in my 50's too). Perhaps your daughter would want to know her relatives? Maybe discussing it with her would give you a sense of what 'the right thing to do' is. Helena

Sadly I will never be able to ask my mother. A wall has been built over many many years and this is a subject I know not to speak about. I did ask when I was about 8 and was told he had gone to America (which was not the truth) and the way is was said, I knew never to approach the subject again. This was in the 1950s and I admire her for bringing me up alone. Another family member close to her has tried over many years to get her to talk to me but as far as she is concerned she has told me, and my reaction was that I never wanted to hear his name mentioned again! I was never told his name by my mother. Didnt get that til I was 23 from someone else. I know I have nothing to lose myself but I am worried about upsetting a whole family. They are all older than me with grown up families of their own. I think it could be such devastating news for them as they thought so much of their father. I am now in my 50s so really it won't affect my life as it probably would have done if I was much younger. I would dearly love to see them and to know some family medical history too. I have often wondered about family resemblances. Would we look alike? Who knows. I have been in contact with someone who was also close to my father. They have seen my daughter and say she resembles him very much. I found that quite emotional to be honest. Perhaps it is just my age or the time of year. I am not a brave person. One day perhaps I will pluck up courage. Thanks again for reading this. Pam.

my cousin is in a identical situation, and she has asked me to try and find her father and family. she has perpared herself for a good and a bad reaction. but she wants to know for the comfort of herself that she tried and then knew 100% for herself. what have you to loose? go for it in my personal opinion, i am sure someone who has had a bad experience will say other. but we are all different marie x

Pam Perhaps your mother would like to talk about it now. After a long time it will be difficult for her to raise the subject but once she's gone you may regret not having tried. I would start making your decision by trying to talk to her about her feelings rather than asking for facts, which as you say you may not be able to rely on. Once you both get used to speaking about her feelings and she sees that you just want to understand the past you never know........ Helena

Right, here goes. I have pondered over this for many years. I never knew my birth father. I was told his name when I was about 20. This did not come from my mother. She has never mentioned him to me and I feel that if she did now, it would not be the truth. I know I have three half brothers who I am pretty sure don't know I exist either. As a child I used to dream that one day my father would make himself known to me. He didn't. I will never know why but he must have had his reasons. I know my father is dead and I went to the cemetary where he was buried. I have always said that I did not want to upset his family as they obviously thought the world of their father but I sometimes wonder if I perhaps they would like to know that I existed. I am sure I will never be brave enough to make contact with them but wondered what someone else's views would be. Thanks for reading this. Pam.