Genealogy Chat

Hello, I'm back!

Thanks to all members who have given messages of support, and understanding. There are many carer's out there who get little, or no support, and for them life is very tough. Many don't know which way to turn, or where they can get help. Some do get help, only to find that its only words - rather than action. Carer's really need practical help, and if they don't get it, and their health fails, then the government should understand that the one being cared for will have to be supported by someone else....?

I appreciate that genereunited message boards are for members seeking their families, or ancestors, and my original intention was to make members aware of how I managed to get so much more information from my wife by making her a "Memory Book" - an album of family photographs. Every time she opens her "Memory Book" she always finds something to surprise me - its like having a link with the past!

On advice from Margaret, I have now registered with the Alzheimer's Society website - I use the same name so that you can identify me. This site is dedicated to Alzheimer's patients, and their carer's.

I have had a very steep learning curve to get to where I am at this moment in time, and have made many mistakes along the way.

However, I am still here to help any person who is in the same position as myself.....just contact me.

Hi Shell,

Best of luck with nan's 2nd test, but try and remain positive - Alzheimer's Disease is only a name. The onset can be very difficult to diagnos - this is because as we all grow older, our memory suffers to a degree.
With Alzheimer's the problem is usually with the SHORT term memory. rather than the LONG term memory [which is usually very good]

How many times have you run upstairs for something, got up there, and thought "What the hell am I doing upstairs" What you wanted has gone from your memory......this is normal as you get older.

Problems with short term memory include forgetting simple tasks like turning lights, gas, and water taps off. Can't remember where you have put your knitting - despite you had it in your hands a few minutes ago.
This list gets extended as the disease progresses. Eventually leading to being unable to cook, or shop, etc. This also comes with a great deal of frustration from the patient, and sometimes they t ake it out of you.
Here is where you have to be very brave, and positive. Try to help by suggestion - try to make it 'their idea'

Long term memory is really a blessing for you, and the ability of your loved one to remember their youth, family growing up, and all sorts of other family events is also good for the patient. Keep nan's memory going - it will pay dividends.

Good luck, and don't hesitate to contact me if you want any supports, or maybe just a chat.

Hi there

Thankyou for a great post.

My partners nan is 70 in May and we think its the onset of Alzheimers she is having her 2nd test this week...Weve seen it for around 18 months but we thought it was her age.

Just to say thankyou for all the information, don't know what else to say...it's so hard to discribe how an healthy outgoing lady can deteriate in such a small amount of time its heartbraking...I will look into the posts that people have wrote

Shell

Dear Llamedos
having just found this thread I wanted to say how much I admire the way you are dealing with this horrible disease. Your wife is a lucky lady to have such a wonderful caring person as you. You have such a great way of approaching the trials that life throws at us all. I hope that you have someone looking out for you in the way that you are there for your wife. You are an inspiration to us all.
Best wishes to you and your wife x

Hi SueMaid,

Nice to hear that you made a memory Book for your dad, and that opened up his long-term memory. You must have gathered loads of information from your Dad's past life - all triggered by the old family photographs.

You were very lucky to have many such old family photos - I too, am in such a position, and I have completed my wife's Memory Book [No:1] which has 200 old family photographs. Now, I have almost completed memory Book [No:2] which starts when we met 54 years ago- right through to recent events. When finished, there will be around 400 memories for her to look at whenever she feels like doing so. This is usually at least twice a week, and she ALWAYS shows the book to any person who visits our home.

The carer's I feel sorry for [and their partners] are those who have very few, or no pictures of the past. I say don't give up - search the web, visit, or write to the schools your partner attended - there are many photos around, we just need to dig them out. Recently, I helped a person with his family history, and he mentioned that his grandfather lived in a certain street - now no longer there. Surprise, surprise, I found the street in question on the internet dated 1880 when his ancestor was living there!

Llamedos, I also made a memory book for my father three years ago. He had vascular dementia. I would go through the book with him and he would talk about his parents and siblings and aunties and uncles. Luckily I had loads of photos and family stories that would trigger some wondeful stories which my brother would scribble down as fast as he could:)) Dad would often change direction without warning so my brother would write first and translate later. Sadly Dad passed away just over 2 years ago, but his memory lives on.

I think you are a very caring person firstly because of the way you care for your wife and secondly because you are prepared to help others who also care for someone with Alzheimer's or dementia. Good luck.

Sue x

What a lovely idea to help your wife.

Teresa

Hi $tormcha$er

Thanks for your support - I have really found the key to my wife's memory through my Memory Book, and just want other carer's to give it a go....there's nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Don't be intrigued by my name - its not welsh - just try and spell it backwards, and all will be revealed!

an excellend thread and well done Llamedos, i think your doing a fab ulous thing with the memory book

Stephanie

p.s. am intrigued with your posting name, is it welsh

Hi Guys,

Many thanks for your messages -
Huianotsohotnow - hang in there, you are doing a marvelous job under very difficult circumstances. I'm pleaseyour OH likes to look at photographs, and this helps his memory. May I suggest you write details on the reverse or each photo using a soft pencil - this never fades, and does not send stains through the photos. Very helpful, not jus for you, and your OH, but any person finding the book interesting - unfortunately, slips of paper get separated from the photos at times, and that ends up with faces looking out of photos without any names......best of luck.

To Lesley in Spain,

Please to hear that photos make a differenc ewith your mum - sad that many have been destroyed. However, don't give up hope - approach all your family members - some will have photos I'm sure. Approach her old school - maybe they have kept year photos of classes.....anything is worth a try. Where was she born - google 'old photos of tincurry' or whereever she was born.....it's amasing what you can find on the internet.

Above all, love and best wishes come to you with this message.

Llamedos - you are such a special person, well done you - I know its a labour of love, however make sure you take care of yourself. I have only just found this thread and do not normally now make any comments, however I am greatful for you sharing your experience with the memory board.
My mother has dementia and unfortunately we have had to give in and she is now in a care home which specialises in her type of dementia. We too have made a photo album for her and she does respond to it - however I cannot find many photos from her early years - (she had a tendancy to take things out of the house in a carrier bag and dump them in bins, so I think most of the photos of my childhood have gone in the bin! ) You have now made me think yet again and I will get in touch with her family in Ireland to see if they have any which may help. It is a wicked illness and unfortunately seems to be on the increase.
Keep your chin up my love and as I said earlier look after yourself too, and if it gets too much scream at social services because they have been fantastic (yes I know - rare) in supporting us.
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Llamedos, like you I have bad days when I dont get anything done. Some nights I am woken so often that I finish up in tears and they can last all day. I must get around to enrolling husband for day care in town so that when I want to go shopping/to the dentist/visiting a friend I dont have to drag my husband along with me. He did go with me to my class reunion last Saturday. He has never liked big gatherings but he put up with it, although he kept asking if we could go for a walk. He finally sat in our vehicle and went to sleep, but I had to keep glancing out the window to make sure he was still there. But I did enjoy my day.

Huia.

Hi everyone, many thanks for your support - because of this I have decided not to close this thread - thanks again.

I have not sent a message for a while - this is due to my caring role has been very much in demand over the last week or so- life has not been very good for me [or my wife], but that's not her fault - Alzheimer's is the problem.

At the moment, whatever I do is wrong, and all I get is a lots of aggression, and stress - something I can do without, as my own health is far from good. The memory book helps immensively in the home, because it distracts her for a while, but I get lots of aggro when I take her shopping, and whilst out of our home there is no option but to grin and bear it. However, today has been very much better - fingers crossed!

We have been assessed for carers support. Here in New Zealand I can enroll for day care for my OH in a suitable resthome (he promptly said NO, doesnt want to go into a resthome, but doc and I pointed out that it is just for a day or part thereof to give me time to go to dentist/hairdresser/visit my friends or whatever, things I cant do with him in tow). I think we have to make a small payment to the resthome.
I can also have respite care if I can find somebody to come here and stay with OH while I get away for a few days. The person who comes will receive some sort of payment, not sure how much. Only problem is that we live 25mins from town so it is not easy to find anybody to stay here. I think I might have found a suitable person though if he is willing to do it. He is taking OH for 2 hour walks on a Friday morning. OH loves walking so the person staying would need to be able to take him walking, which my sister wouldnt, although she would be willing to stay.
I bought a small photo album recently and will be scanning a lot of his old photos from his youth in England plus some of the ones he/we have taken since he arrived in NZ. I will get them printed for the book. He does often look through the boxes of photos that we have. I might put labels on slips of thin card to slip in behind each photo so that if he cant remember who/where he or the person with him can look to see.
Huia.

In addition Attendance Allowance is not taxable. You can still claim it even if no-one is actually attending to you (but clearly Llamedos is caring for his wife). Once there is a diagnoses of Alzheimer's Disease (and other severe mental conditions) you can also apply for Council Tax Disregard (not sure how it works with a couple).

I'd encourage everyone to claim anything they are entitled to as my parents paid all their "dues" and got very little help from the state in their later years. My hubby and I have paid tons more, and whilst I appreciate that is how the system works I hope people get the benefits that I am paying for.

Margaret

Don't forgot that anyone over 65 can claim attendance allowance

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/DisabledPeople/FinancialSupport/DG_10012425

the higher rate is £67 a week. It is not means tested at all.everyone is entitled to it even if they have lots of savings. It is very easy to apply for and it doesn't affect any other benefits unlike carers allowance

My son is taking part in a sponsored bike ride for this charity, the details are on the general board.
Liz

Llamedos, I wouldn't delete this thread. Not everybody reads every board. Just add a link here to the other thread or give the title so people can go searching.

Best wishes and good luck to you & your wife. I also found photographs a wonderful resource with my mother. My sister had a lovely photograph of her parents framed for her. It was taken when she was a young girl. It was hung on the wall near her bed & she loved it.

Ozi.

Well done - your wife is a lucky lady!

Thanks to every member who has written a message of support - its nice to know you are not on your own during such difficult times.

I hope my 'Memory Book' will help others, as it has done for my wife - there are many treasures there waiting to be released - believe me - I am constantly surprised at the comments which my wife comes out with whilst looking through the photographs, even if they are not important, these momments turn into a meaningful conversation which is beneficial for both of us.

Finally, as there is another thread on Carer's, I will delete this one in a short while - unless other members think I should not do so.

Best wishes to all carer's and their partners.